Do You Really Know Me?

We pass each other along the way

You don’t give me the time of day

I’ve known it right from the start

You wouldn’t know what’s in my heart

They see me, but not really

Just another face you see

Who knows that I love to sing

To hear all the church bells ring

Do you know, where I’ve been

Or what I did, way back when

Whom I held close to my heart

With the hormones at the start

They said that it was just a fad

It couldn’t really be that bad

But I’m here to tell you now

You’ll hear me when I tell you how 

How Well Do You Know Me?

Do You Really Know Me?

Child Within

I have done several challenges, but I’m not so sure about surveys.  Maybe I’ll even get to know me a little better.

1 – Boxer shorts or budgy smugglers? I don’t know what budgy smugglers are, and I don’t wear boxers, so I guess I would have to answer with neither.

2 – What color of underwear are you currently wearing? Pink.   They match the shirt and socks;

3 – How long have you been wearing them for? About 3 1/2 hours

4 – Do you ever use binoculars to watch people?  The only pair of binoculars I own can’t see through walls, and I don’t usually take them with me when I go outside, so no.

5 – Have you ever kicked someone in the groin?  You have no idea how many times I’ve wanted to do this, but I’d just lose my balance and fall down.

6 – Would you pull a trigger?  Would and have (I was in the military).

7 – If you met your favorite celebrity, and they wanted to make out with you, would you? No, because I know it would lead nowhere, and I want to go somewhere.

8 – Have you ever slept in the same bed with someone you were not in a relationship with (not talking about sex and one-night-stands)? Yes. He wanted sex, but I didn’t. He ended up staying for the night though.

9 – Have you had one-night-stands?  No.

10 – Does sex have the same importance to you now compared to when you were younger? Due to aging and medical issues, I would have to say no.

11 – Have you ever eaten a worm?  They look like fat mini-snakes, and snakes is what I hate the most. ABSOLUTELY NOT!!

12 – What’s the grossest thing you’ve eaten?  Raw squid.

13 – How long do you spend sitting on the toilet?  As long as it takes.

14 – What do you do when you sit there (besides the obvious)? Play Sudoku on my tablet.

15 – Have you ever been peed at?  Why would someone even do that? No.

16 – What’s the grossest thing you have ever swallowed?  That goes back to the squid.

17 – What’s the constantly dirtiest place in your home?  The bathroom. No matter how hard we try, neither my aides or I can ever keep up with the cat litter. You can sweep the entire floor thoroughly, and when you have finished, there is still litter on the floor.

18 – Why don’t you clean it?  It’s hard for me to do that from my wheelchair.

19 – Do you eat your boogers?  That is absolutely gross. No.

20 – Can you describe the one smell that makes you gag?  Vomit

21 – Have you ever had head lice?  No

22 – Have you ever been utterly disappointed in someone?  Absolutely. It was someone I trust completely, and yet they let me down.

23 – Have you ever been scared of someone?  This one is easy. I was afraid of my mother for the first 53 years of my life.

24 – What do you do when you’re drunk that you wouldn’t want anyone to know about?  I no longer drink, and I can’t remember much of what I did when I used to get drunk.  That’s probably why I quit drinking.

25 – Have you tried pole dancing?  The only pole I get close to is the one in my bedroom I use to transfer back and forth from my chair to my bed.

26 – Have you been in a strip club? I’ve never even seen one from the outside No.

27 – Have you ever run over an animal?  Back home I would run over the occasional woodchuck.

28 – Have you ever peed in snow? I would freeze my you know what off if I tried to do that. No.

29 – Have you ever made fun of someone and then regretted it? Way too many times.

30 – What’s your favorite kind of question on Cards for Humanity (if you know the game)? Do not know this game.

31 – If the father of your best friend hit on you, what would you say to him? Get lost mf.

32 – Would you go out on a date with someone half your age or double your age? Not half my age, but I did end up in a relationship with someone who was two years older than my mother.

33 – Do you clean the sink after brushing your teeth? I rinse it out.

34 – Have you ever spat in someone’s food or drink?  Never. I have such a bad case of dry mouth from all the meds I take, I would have to build up enough to even be able to spit.

35 – Have you ever kissed someone only to be grossed out afterwards? More times than I care to remember.

36 – What is your number one goal in life, and are you living it? When I learned I had MS, I started setting goals. The number one goal is to never give up.  I’m still here so I guess I haven’t given up.

38 – Have you ever danced and/or cried in the rain? I don’t like being out in the rain. No.

39 – Have you ever ditched work to just chill out on your own (with or without Netflix)? When I was a whole lot younger than I am now.

40 – What do you wish you were doing right now (anything goes)? Shopping. I love just going out to find something to buy.  But it’s raining outside, and I would have to wait in the rain, in my power wheelchair to catch a bus.

This was a lot more fun than I expected it to be. There was no nomination list, so I nominate you all to take this survey, so we can all learn how bad each of us are.

Happy thinking…

~ van ~

Winter And Fear

I’m not too fond of winter these days, for many reasons. My body can’t regulate it’s core temperature, so I can’t be out in the cold for long. I get around in a wheelchair and do not have a vehicle of my own. Therefore, I must rely on public transportation that is door to door, which can cost as much as $5 each way.

The wheelchairs that I use are not snow friendly at all. I can’t move around in snow at all with the manual chair. I can move around in my power chair, but it slides on ice and can lose traction in the snow. Therefore, I’m not too fond of winter, though I do like to take winter photos.

Many years ago, and I mean MANY, when I was a child, winter was fun, except when it snowed so much that school was closed. That meant that I had to stay home and suffer through whatever mood my mother might be in.

When it snowed, we wanted to go out and play in the snow. We lived out in the country, on two acres of land that had a bit of a slant. That made for excellent sledding. Sometimes it was so good we might not stop in time and either run into the trees on the edge of the yard, or go between them and right out onto the road.

The problem, though, was that whenever we wanted to go outside, we had to ask permission first. For me, this was a scary action. I was always afraid of my mother. Living like this caused great anxiety, GERD, and other behaviors such as theft and arson. Yes, you read that correctly – arson. There was also other behavior problems but I’m not going to go into them here. That is for another post.

If she was in a bad mood, she would not allow us to go outside to play. This doesn’t make any sense, as that meant we were trapped inside with her, and subject to her moods if we played too loudly, or ran in the house.

If she was in a good mood, she would let us go out, but only after bundling up in so much winter clothing, we could barely move. But once we got outside, it was great. We would slide down the hill if the snow was right. We would build snow forts and fire snow balls at one another. We also dug tunnels and caves in the snow that piled up high from the driveway being plowed. This was one of my most favorite activities, and one of my fondest memories. When we were cold and wet enough we went back inside.

I had an escape route that could take me away from my mother’s moods. When I started learning to read, I was hungry for more and more books to read. Once I was older, I could spend and entire day, in my room, reading books that I brought home from the school library.

Reading was an activity that grew with me, and stayed with me, until I got sick and my cognitive abilities and memory were very poor. Due to a lack of concentration, I could never stick with a book long enough to read it and enjoy it. To this day, I have several books around my apartment, with bookmarks in them, never to be picked up again.

This was a sad turn of events for me, but my appetite for the Internet turned into an obsession, and it still controls me to this day. I just switched from one kind of control (my mother) to the Internet, to which I can honestly say I am addicted to. It controls me by causing me to miss medication doses, ignore the TV entirely, and even forgo meals.

I have to admit that I’m not even trying to break this form of control. It’s my only opening to the outside world, where I can go wherever I want, whenever I want.

It makes me feel that I am finally in control.

A Letter To My Self

Today, I see the hair that’s grey,
Today, I see a brand new day,
Today, I see an aching soul,
Today, I see within that soul.
Yesterday, came and went so fast,
Yesterday, is not meant to last,
Yesterday, I did not speak my mind,
Yesterday, the words, I could not find.
Today, I see all these things in my head,
Today, I think of all that I’ve read,
Today, I see myself so small,
Today, I see, I don’t have to go.

Child Within Is Starting To Grow

If I want to get somewhere,
I need to find a way to get there,
It’s hard to get there on my own,
I need a vehicle of my own.

Child WithinMost of my life was full of need,
But somewhere there, existed a seed,
When this seed started to grow,
It seemed that I was the last to know.

Last to see a whole life new,
From this seed it grew and grew.
Now I see that I can do,
Much more if I really want to.

The child that still lives inside of me,
Can be whoever she wants to be.
The labels that held her down,
Only cause her now to frown.

As this child starts to grow,
I can do much more, I know.
I can do what pleases me,
If only every one could see.

Run Off TrackThe chair that tries to hold me back,
Tried to run me off the track,
The track that leads me up and out,
Helps me make the whole world shout.

I can do whatever I please,
I can be whatever I please,
I just want everyone to know,
The child within continues to grow.

Ever Have One Of Those Days?

Ever had a day when you’re all stuck up in your head?
Ever had one of those days you remember nothing you’ve read?
Ever had one of those days you had nothing to do?
Ever had one of those days you have tons to do?

Today I sat here in my chair,
I did not go anywhere,
I could not read a book,
I just couldn’t find the hook.

Scan_20150109 (61)Today I had nothing to eat,
Because I wouldn’t get out of my seat.
I could not read all that email,
The numbers made me want to wail.

Ever had a day when you want to stay abed?
Ever had a day when all thoughts have fled,
Ever had a day when everything’s numb?
Ever had a day when you need someone?

I am having all those days…

There’s No One There

I feel the dread in the air,
I fear that no one will be there,
I turn around to look and see,
Where that someone should be.
But again, or course, there’s no one there,
Just a mist in the air.
Is it true I’m being followed?
Don’t they know that’s not allowed?
I fear to look too deep inside,
And find those things I want to hide.
Things that I cannot bear,
I fear that no one will really care.
And so I hide so far away,
You’ll never find me any day,
But something else just wants to shout,
Why the hell won’t you let me out?

Alone Again

image011The cold has come and settled in,
I stay at home a lot again.
Unable to get my chair through the snow,
But no one else seems to know.
The time I spend all alone,
Someone comes and then they’re gone.
Left alone again to find,
Something to occupy my mind.
My eyes are sore from the computer screen,
Rarely am I ever seen,
Away from here, outside my door,
Even unable to pace the floor.
The disease slowly taking away,
Things I used to do every day.
I need someone to come and see,
That there is much more to me.

How To Play The Game

Life is really just a game,
You just need to know how to hide,
Hide feelings not yet given a name,
They just pile higher inside.

Every day you venture out,
You have to paste on the smile,
And certainly, without a doubt,
You’ll be able to stay awhile.

But soon it comes,
The time to go back in,
The buzz in your head hums,
Now you’re safe again.

Safe from harmful, hateful sins,
That come from within yourself,
In this case, no one wins,
It’s just put back on the shelf.

– van –