Do You Really Know Me?

We pass each other along the way

You don’t give me the time of day

I’ve known it right from the start

You wouldn’t know what’s in my heart

They see me, but not really

Just another face you see

Who knows that I love to sing

To hear all the church bells ring

Do you know, where I’ve been

Or what I did, way back when

Whom I held close to my heart

With the hormones at the start

They said that it was just a fad

It couldn’t really be that bad

But I’m here to tell you now

You’ll hear me when I tell you how 

How Well Do You Know Me?

Do You Really Know Me?

Child Within

I have done several challenges, but I’m not so sure about surveys.  Maybe I’ll even get to know me a little better.

1 – Boxer shorts or budgy smugglers? I don’t know what budgy smugglers are, and I don’t wear boxers, so I guess I would have to answer with neither.

2 – What color of underwear are you currently wearing? Pink.   They match the shirt and socks;

3 – How long have you been wearing them for? About 3 1/2 hours

4 – Do you ever use binoculars to watch people?  The only pair of binoculars I own can’t see through walls, and I don’t usually take them with me when I go outside, so no.

5 – Have you ever kicked someone in the groin?  You have no idea how many times I’ve wanted to do this, but I’d just lose my balance and fall down.

6 – Would you pull a trigger?  Would and have (I was in the military).

7 – If you met your favorite celebrity, and they wanted to make out with you, would you? No, because I know it would lead nowhere, and I want to go somewhere.

8 – Have you ever slept in the same bed with someone you were not in a relationship with (not talking about sex and one-night-stands)? Yes. He wanted sex, but I didn’t. He ended up staying for the night though.

9 – Have you had one-night-stands?  No.

10 – Does sex have the same importance to you now compared to when you were younger? Due to aging and medical issues, I would have to say no.

11 – Have you ever eaten a worm?  They look like fat mini-snakes, and snakes is what I hate the most. ABSOLUTELY NOT!!

12 – What’s the grossest thing you’ve eaten?  Raw squid.

13 – How long do you spend sitting on the toilet?  As long as it takes.

14 – What do you do when you sit there (besides the obvious)? Play Sudoku on my tablet.

15 – Have you ever been peed at?  Why would someone even do that? No.

16 – What’s the grossest thing you have ever swallowed?  That goes back to the squid.

17 – What’s the constantly dirtiest place in your home?  The bathroom. No matter how hard we try, neither my aides or I can ever keep up with the cat litter. You can sweep the entire floor thoroughly, and when you have finished, there is still litter on the floor.

18 – Why don’t you clean it?  It’s hard for me to do that from my wheelchair.

19 – Do you eat your boogers?  That is absolutely gross. No.

20 – Can you describe the one smell that makes you gag?  Vomit

21 – Have you ever had head lice?  No

22 – Have you ever been utterly disappointed in someone?  Absolutely. It was someone I trust completely, and yet they let me down.

23 – Have you ever been scared of someone?  This one is easy. I was afraid of my mother for the first 53 years of my life.

24 – What do you do when you’re drunk that you wouldn’t want anyone to know about?  I no longer drink, and I can’t remember much of what I did when I used to get drunk.  That’s probably why I quit drinking.

25 – Have you tried pole dancing?  The only pole I get close to is the one in my bedroom I use to transfer back and forth from my chair to my bed.

26 – Have you been in a strip club? I’ve never even seen one from the outside No.

27 – Have you ever run over an animal?  Back home I would run over the occasional woodchuck.

28 – Have you ever peed in snow? I would freeze my you know what off if I tried to do that. No.

29 – Have you ever made fun of someone and then regretted it? Way too many times.

30 – What’s your favorite kind of question on Cards for Humanity (if you know the game)? Do not know this game.

31 – If the father of your best friend hit on you, what would you say to him? Get lost mf.

32 – Would you go out on a date with someone half your age or double your age? Not half my age, but I did end up in a relationship with someone who was two years older than my mother.

33 – Do you clean the sink after brushing your teeth? I rinse it out.

34 – Have you ever spat in someone’s food or drink?  Never. I have such a bad case of dry mouth from all the meds I take, I would have to build up enough to even be able to spit.

35 – Have you ever kissed someone only to be grossed out afterwards? More times than I care to remember.

36 – What is your number one goal in life, and are you living it? When I learned I had MS, I started setting goals. The number one goal is to never give up.  I’m still here so I guess I haven’t given up.

38 – Have you ever danced and/or cried in the rain? I don’t like being out in the rain. No.

39 – Have you ever ditched work to just chill out on your own (with or without Netflix)? When I was a whole lot younger than I am now.

40 – What do you wish you were doing right now (anything goes)? Shopping. I love just going out to find something to buy.  But it’s raining outside, and I would have to wait in the rain, in my power wheelchair to catch a bus.

This was a lot more fun than I expected it to be. There was no nomination list, so I nominate you all to take this survey, so we can all learn how bad each of us are.

Happy thinking…

~ van ~

No Is Never Enough (Previously published “With All The Lies, Who Am I?”)

Being ignored as a child, I wasn’t taught anything that I was supposed to have been. Instead I learned how to lie to cover my butt and save myself a beating. As I grew a little older, it just became ingrained.  I would make up things to explain why something was broken, or missing, or just not satisfactory to my mother.

I do believe that she never had one good thing to say about any of my accomplishments.  I wasn’t real at times like this.  I used to perform music at school concerts. Band, choir, duets, solos, even playing the piano, which she didn’t know I could do.  She was always there because she had to take me there.  But she never said a word about it at any time after.

I felt I didn’t do it well enough.  I wasn’t good enough, and that’s why she didn’t like me.  I learned that at a very young age, but just existed in a world where all these people around me (only in school) didn’t like me either.  I was smart and they didn’t like that.

But one thing that really stands out today, is how I was never allowed to be sick.  She had to admit that I was sick when I came home from Kindergarten with Chicken Pox.  So I missed some school due to that.  Once I was well again, I never stayed at home, no matter how sick I felt.  I had a running total of perfect attendance at school, right up until my Senior year, when my parents and I got stranded in a blizzard and no one was allowed to be on the roads for any reason.

The police took us to the Salvation Army, who took us to this rickety, old hotel, where people actually lived.  There was one room for the three of us.  We spent 4 or 5 days there, I can’t remember for sure, but for me it was pure hell.  But that broke my perfect attendance record.

Now she’s gone and I can go out if I want to, or I can stay home if I want to.  I still feel guilty, though, if I don’t go somewhere that I was supposed to go.  I have to make up a story as to why I wasn’t going.  My reasons were never good enough.  Sometimes I went anyway, because of the guilt I was feeling.  But I’m still never good enough. And just saying “no” is never enough…

~ van ~

Gasping

People gasp when they see an accident,
People gasp when they can’t get enough air,
People gasp when they get surprised,
But no one hears the tiny little gasp.

There’s a child sitting there,
As if there is no one who cares,
Inside and out the child cries,
Inside, a small part of her dies.

Why can’t the people around her see?
How more helpful could they be?
If only one had heard her cry,
Dry her tears and ask her why?

Why do you cry, little one?
What is it that someone has done,
That makes you cry right here, today?
How can I make the tears go away?

But no one cared to see her cry,
No one cared to ask her why,
Why do you do things that are bad?
What is it making you so sad?

If only one could see inside,
All the things she had to hide,
They can not make it go away,
It happens every single day.

Winter And Fear

I’m not too fond of winter these days, for many reasons. My body can’t regulate it’s core temperature, so I can’t be out in the cold for long. I get around in a wheelchair and do not have a vehicle of my own. Therefore, I must rely on public transportation that is door to door, which can cost as much as $5 each way.

The wheelchairs that I use are not snow friendly at all. I can’t move around in snow at all with the manual chair. I can move around in my power chair, but it slides on ice and can lose traction in the snow. Therefore, I’m not too fond of winter, though I do like to take winter photos.

Many years ago, and I mean MANY, when I was a child, winter was fun, except when it snowed so much that school was closed. That meant that I had to stay home and suffer through whatever mood my mother might be in.

When it snowed, we wanted to go out and play in the snow. We lived out in the country, on two acres of land that had a bit of a slant. That made for excellent sledding. Sometimes it was so good we might not stop in time and either run into the trees on the edge of the yard, or go between them and right out onto the road.

The problem, though, was that whenever we wanted to go outside, we had to ask permission first. For me, this was a scary action. I was always afraid of my mother. Living like this caused great anxiety, GERD, and other behaviors such as theft and arson. Yes, you read that correctly – arson. There was also other behavior problems but I’m not going to go into them here. That is for another post.

If she was in a bad mood, she would not allow us to go outside to play. This doesn’t make any sense, as that meant we were trapped inside with her, and subject to her moods if we played too loudly, or ran in the house.

If she was in a good mood, she would let us go out, but only after bundling up in so much winter clothing, we could barely move. But once we got outside, it was great. We would slide down the hill if the snow was right. We would build snow forts and fire snow balls at one another. We also dug tunnels and caves in the snow that piled up high from the driveway being plowed. This was one of my most favorite activities, and one of my fondest memories. When we were cold and wet enough we went back inside.

I had an escape route that could take me away from my mother’s moods. When I started learning to read, I was hungry for more and more books to read. Once I was older, I could spend and entire day, in my room, reading books that I brought home from the school library.

Reading was an activity that grew with me, and stayed with me, until I got sick and my cognitive abilities and memory were very poor. Due to a lack of concentration, I could never stick with a book long enough to read it and enjoy it. To this day, I have several books around my apartment, with bookmarks in them, never to be picked up again.

This was a sad turn of events for me, but my appetite for the Internet turned into an obsession, and it still controls me to this day. I just switched from one kind of control (my mother) to the Internet, to which I can honestly say I am addicted to. It controls me by causing me to miss medication doses, ignore the TV entirely, and even forgo meals.

I have to admit that I’m not even trying to break this form of control. It’s my only opening to the outside world, where I can go wherever I want, whenever I want.

It makes me feel that I am finally in control.

And It Makes Me Feel So Much Older

Why am I here? The daily prompt said that I’m going to write a post today, even if I don’t have a title or know what I’m going to write about to introduce myself, who I am and why I am here. Ok, so here goes…
I thought that Fifty was going to be hard,
Make me feel so much older.
But now it’s Fifty-five,
And it makes me feel so much older.
Five years ago seems a long time
It makes me feel so much older.
The gray in my hair I admit is mine,
And it makes me feel so much older.
My joints are in pain,
Making me feel so much older,
So I joined the gym,
And it makes me feel so much older.
Everyone there looks under thirty,
Making me feel so much older,
I tire easy and am quick to get cranky,
But thank God, I’m still getting older.

One More Pill

Getting tough to climb the hill?
Here, take another pill.
Add the pills, more and more,
And you’ll forget the grocery store.

What would happen if we take this one,
And tell the doctor you are done?
All these meds mess up my mind,
And my actions are done in kind.

I think it’s time to take a stand,
Take all those pills in your hand,
Tell the doc, you’ll take them less,
You’ll get better, is my guess.

Let’s all give it the college try,
Ask the doctor, which and why.
This med is taken every day,
Not no more, no, no way.

Too Hot To Bear

Falling Down
Photo: Karen Van Benschoten

It’s starts with the beginning of each new day,

The fiery words that come my way.

I ask, “What is it that I’ve done?”

I was just having fun.

But then the words lash out so hot,

Keeping me glued to the spot.

Trying to keep my head up high,

Trying hard not to cry.

The tears that come are oh so hot,

I have nothing with which to blot,

The tears racing down my face,

Wishing I were in another place.

I dream of the day that I run away,

But have no other place to stay.

I look at buildings, falling down,

And tell myself I’d not be found.

But then I think of rain and cold,

Will this last until I’m old?

In the end I stay each day,

Wondering what I shouldn’t say.

– van –