Home

What makes a home?
Is it a house?
I live alone,
Quiet as a mouse.

Moved here a month ago,
But still I cannot find,
Does anyone ever go?
I think I’m losing my mind.

My heart is sad,
My head hangs low,
I know it was real bad,
A long, long, time ago.

Don’t do this, don’t do that,
Don’t eat that, it’ll make you fat,
Sit up straight, tie your shoes,
In those days I had nothing to lose.

Things are not the same today,
I don’t do things in my olden ways,
Now, I’m out and own my own,
But is this ever, really a home?

Another Year, But Different Resolutions

New Year’s resolutions are difficult. Sometimes I set my goals too high, and end up failing, at least that’s how I feel about not meeting my goals. I’d never thought about making resolutions about my blog before, but then…why not?

What can I do to set resolutions for, that I can actually dedicate myself to doing with my blog? I am a sporadic writer at best, but I’ve been told that my writing is very powerful, due to the way I write about my subject matter, which stems from childhood sexual abuse.

I’m thinking that if people are reading my posts, and getting something from them, why don’t I try to reach more people that could benefit from my writing? How would I do that?

I don’t like to judge my blog by statistics, or followers, or number of clicks. That is why I rarely look at my statistics. I look at the comments, at what people actually think about my posts. So, if I try to reach more people that might benefit from my writing, I think I should look around and see what is out there. What I can read, what I can learn from it, and how can I help others to deal with such issues as I am?

I want to make one resolution to take a look at my Reader every day, see who is out there and what they are writing. The benefits can be two-fold. One, I can enrich my blog by learning from others, and two, I may be able to find others who could benefit from my writing. So that is resolution number 1.

My second resolution would be to interact with my readers, and those whose posts I read. This will give me ideas about how to write my posts so that they reach more people. I could do this by commenting more, rather than just ‘liking’ a post. Another way would be to visit the blogs of my readers, see where they are coming from and maybe make more friends that have similar interests, but also interests far different from the things I look at every day. So resolution #2 is to interact with my readers through commenting and looking at their sites.

My third resolution is to look more deeply into myself, find out what else might be in there that I can pull out and put into words. Resolution #3 is for introspection into my own abuse, and how it has shaped and continues to shape my life.

These seem maybe a little lofty for me, but they are something to try to attain, even if I only reach one new person a month, or learn one new thing about myself this year.

Those are my three blogging resolutions for 2016.

Someone By My Side

Thoughts that are oh, so ancient,
Yet my eyes are vacant.
Nothing shows which comes from inside,
When I try, the thoughts run and hide.

I long to have someone sit by my side,
With whom I have nothing to hide,
But I fear that she’ll never come,
And my heart will come undone.

Others are happy they have someone,
Each one knows what the other has done,
They stand together, side by side,
Because they have nothing to hide.

I have no one next to me,
I wish that others would come and see,
I have nothing at all to hide,
I bare it all, when I stand by her side.

Child Within Is Starting To Grow

If I want to get somewhere,
I need to find a way to get there,
It’s hard to get there on my own,
I need a vehicle of my own.

Child WithinMost of my life was full of need,
But somewhere there, existed a seed,
When this seed started to grow,
It seemed that I was the last to know.

Last to see a whole life new,
From this seed it grew and grew.
Now I see that I can do,
Much more if I really want to.

The child that still lives inside of me,
Can be whoever she wants to be.
The labels that held her down,
Only cause her now to frown.

As this child starts to grow,
I can do much more, I know.
I can do what pleases me,
If only every one could see.

Run Off TrackThe chair that tries to hold me back,
Tried to run me off the track,
The track that leads me up and out,
Helps me make the whole world shout.

I can do whatever I please,
I can be whatever I please,
I just want everyone to know,
The child within continues to grow.

Vets Adapt To Their Differences

I am a Navy veteran, disabled due to MS, and I’m trying to raise the money needed, for a wheelchair van, and hand cycle, to get me out of the recliner and into action. The exercise is good for me not only physically, but mentally as well.  I started playing wheelchair sports in the summer of 2008, and have every year since, adding two new events in 2015.  I want to be independent, and to push myself further than I think I can go.  In order to become independent, I need a van that is equipped with a ramp or lift.  For now, I can still use my right leg for driving, and don’t need hand controls.  But the day will come when I will.

I am attempting to raise enough money, to get what I need to become more independent, and more active.  Right now, I am a recliner jockey, with my head in my laptop from morning to night.  If you would like to help with the fundraising, you can click on the line below and it will take you to the fundraising website.  Thank you for all your support.

http://www.gofundme.com/karenvan

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I Thought I Knew Her

I knew her before I knew her
But then, I drifted away.
I was the one not sure,
How she’d come back someday.

The police were at the door,
The phone began to ring,
Didn’t want to open the door,
Didn’t know what that would bring.

But there she was on the phone again,
After so many years gone by,
It wasn’t time even then,
I wanted her to know why.

After being away for weeks,
I finally came back to my home,
I didn’t know that she would seek,
Me again, on the phone.

She said, “Come home, I need you,”
It blew away my mind,
What was I to do?
What was it I would find?

I found her at my door each day,
Tugging away at my heart,
I knew that this wasn’t the way,
That these such things should start.

It became a daily rendezvous,
Here, or there, somewhere,
But then on that day I knew,
I had given her a scare.

No more knocks at my door,
No more would the phone ring,
What it was that she left me for,
My heart would no longer sing.

What Is It That I Want?

I’ve been told that something is better,
But somehow that scares me inside.
Do I want to go back there?
What is it I’m trying to hide?

It scares me to need less than I do now,
Would then every one ignore me?
I know not what I need, or how,
I wish that someone could see.

I’ve been wounded oh, so deep,
The depth is bottomless it seems,
There are things I just want to keep,
To fulfill those deep-rooted dreams.

Tomorrow I go once again to talk,
Of all those deep-seated needs.
To hear that something is better,
Is beyond all I could ever believe.

From One To Another

The guitar string broke,
Within the first week,
I can only hope,
I’ll find what I seek.
The strings I need,
To make it work,
But others take heed,
I’ll look like a jerk.
What do I ask for?
Can’t do it myself.
Need to learn a lot more,
Can’t play right off the shelf.
I got a good deal,
When I bought the guitar,
Things now look more real,
I’ve not gotten very far.
I have to keep playing,
A little each day,
So I need those strings
To then learn how to play.
Going from one to another,
Seemed easy by far,
Now I know better,
With my electric guitar.

What Do I Want To Play? – Daily Prompt

When I was 10, my best friend asked me to learn the clarinet, along with her, and so I started. Shortly afterwards, she quit but I continued. In high school, I also started playing the tenor sax, which I absolutely loved. I carried this on to college, where I added the bass clarinet to my repertoire.
When I dropped out of school, I dropped all the instruments.
Three or four years later, I started to teach myself how to play the guitar. I graduated from classical to acoustic, and continued to play.  About 7 or 8 years later, I was given a huge 1953 upright piano, which I also started playing.
Then I quit everything, when I dropped into a deep depression.
I had gotten rid of that upright piano, after more than 20 years.
Now, 20 years later, I picked up that guitar, was given a full-size Casio keyboard, and then also bought myself an electric guitar.  It seems like I can’t make up my mind, even this late in life, what it is that I really want to play, what feels the best and I can play well.
Out of all those instruments, my favorite is the keyboard. I have self-taught myself how to play it, though I already had previous experience and had no trouble playing and reading music. I still love it. I can look at the printed words of a song I really like, listen to it a time or two, and then play it.
I love this (even if my neighbors don’t), and surprisingly, so does my cat. When I start to play, she is right there beside me, and often tries to get up in my arms, which makes playing a little difficult. But the love for music, which I discovered as a child, has continued and grown over the four decades since I started. I believe it will always be with me.
It’s one thing that I haven’t failed at . . . ever.

One More Pill

Getting tough to climb the hill?
Here, take another pill.
Add the pills, more and more,
And you’ll forget the grocery store.

What would happen if we take this one,
And tell the doctor you are done?
All these meds mess up my mind,
And my actions are done in kind.

I think it’s time to take a stand,
Take all those pills in your hand,
Tell the doc, you’ll take them less,
You’ll get better, is my guess.

Let’s all give it the college try,
Ask the doctor, which and why.
This med is taken every day,
Not no more, no, no way.