Anger!! Who’s Really To Blame?

I would like to tell you I had an emotional week.  I wanted to get mad at everyone, due to my forgetting to schedule wheelchair transportation for an appointment Wednesday morning.  I assumed they were picking me up at 10:15, for an 11:00 appointment.

At 10:00, I started questioning whether I had scheduled the transportation, and finally called to see if they had me on the schedule that day.  They did not.  First, I wanted to blow up at them (Really??).  Then, I called my therapist to cancel the appointment, why, and asked that she called me back.  I wanted to keep calling her, until she answered the phone and I could vent my anger and frustration (Why??).

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Photo: Google Images

When she finally called me back, I explained what happened and she asked if I would like to reschedule (Ya think??).  We made another appointment, and then I wanted to vent at her again, because the appointment was not for another two weeks (??).

After hanging up the phone, I sat here and I realized that the person I was really angry at was myself.  I had screwed up, forgot to schedule transportation, and I missed my appointment.  Did I really expect her to rearrange her entire schedule, to get me in earlier?  No.

Photo: Karen Van Benschoten

I have MS.  I have mild cognitive impairment and some memory loss.  I know this, and I know that if I don’t put extra reminders in place, I may very well forget something.

 I wanted to blame my aide, as every time she arrives, she usually takes out my planner, checks for any appointments that she hasn’t already written on the (very) large, dry erase calendar, that hangs on the wall above my wheelchair desk.  She asks if I have transportation.  I call and make arrangements.  Once I’ve done that, I put a check mark next to the appointment in my planner.  But not this week.  I don’t think I gave a single thought to that appointment, and usually I never forget that particular appointment.

But who should I be mad at about it?  No one.  Not even myself.  Everyone makes mistakes, and I can’t be mad  because I made a mistake.

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Photo: Google Images

So I played Sudoku and then watched more episodes of “The Fosters.”  Really like this show.  Whatever did I watch before Netflix??


Afraid To Be Afraid

Someone’s been watching me

For so many years now

First every day

Every other day

Every week

Every other week

anxietyWatching over my meds

So I don’t take too much

For so many years

Overdosed twice before

Still watching over meds

Only two more weeks

Then I am done

It’s the last day anyone comes

To watch over my meds

To ask how I’m doing

Watching over me

They tell me I’m a success story

I have kind of graduated

I am a success story

One more time, then no more

Afraid to be a success

Afraid I will fail again

No one coming to check on me

Two weeks and then

It will be the last day

I’m on my own after that

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Afraid to be on my own

Afraid to be alone

Afraid to be afraid.

There’s No One There

I feel the dread in the air,
I fear that no one will be there,
I turn around to look and see,
Where that someone should be.
But again, or course, there’s no one there,
Just a mist in the air.
Is it true I’m being followed?
Don’t they know that’s not allowed?
I fear to look too deep inside,
And find those things I want to hide.
Things that I cannot bear,
I fear that no one will really care.
And so I hide so far away,
You’ll never find me any day,
But something else just wants to shout,
Why the hell won’t you let me out?

Sad Again

That time of year has come again,
I can’t even remember when,
Last month or the one before,
Passed by, to be forever more.
Cards going this way and that,
Some even addressed to my cat!
As for me, I don’t know the sum,
Counting them just makes me feel so glum.
Three years ago, she was here,
The one that most, hold so dear,
Christmas is just not the same,
I’m tired of playing this game.
Someone, please, just open the door,
So I need not ask, anymore,
For the days to pass and ease the pain,
For I know I’ll never see her again.

Here Again

Holiday time isIMAG0055 drawing near,
People with those who are dear.
But all the bustle and the cheer,
I wish I were anywhere but here.
Heart is heavy from those I’ve lost,
Ones that I loved the most,
This is why I never host,
Anything other than a blog post.
I need traditions of my own,
As I’ll mostly be all alone,
The support of others, I have none,
Not from anything I have done.
I miss my mom, I miss my dad,
I have lost what once I had,
Inside it makes me feel real sad,
When will I again feel real glad?

Tired, Worn And Sad

Day by day, week by week,
Time and again I yearn and seek,
For the day I’ll find the place,
Where every one turns their face.

To a place where we can see,
Something out there bigger than me,
A place where no one ever lies,
A place where no one ever dies.

When that day finally comes round,
What is it that we all will have found?
That we stand tall, no longer sad,
That day will come and we will be glad.

For that touch, that soothing grace,
That puts us all in the place,
A place where no one ever lies,
A place where no one ever dies.

I Don’t Like Today


I feel unhappy,
I feel quite sad,
My heart feels heavy,
I’d rather feel glad.
I think there is fear,
I think there is pain,
I think I might hear,
What I’m thinking again.
No, that’s not true,
I feel like a boulder,
There’s something that’s new,
I look over my shoulder.
Nothing is there,
I turn inward again,
Makes me feel sad,
What I think now and then.

– van –