Share Your World #37

Have you ever owned a rock, pet rock, or gem that is not jewelry?  I used to carry around a Tigers Eye, oh, back in the 80’s I guess.  I loved that stone, and I still do if I happen to see one.  But as far as pet rocks?  I was too old for those (or so I thought).  When I was younger (quite a bit), I used to collect interesting rocks, particularly during the summer of 1989, when I was taking a 2-week Geology class.  We packed up our camping gear, and spent two weeks, roaming through the rocks and geological formations in southern Illinois.  I know, who would have thought there were any kind of hills or canyons in Illinois?  I still have pictures to prove it, but not the rocks.

What is your greatest strength or weakness?  I believe my greatest strength, which is my mind, is also my greatest weakness.  Due to mental illness, even as a young child, my weakness was the mind, and that as I grew into adulthood, was plagued by nightmares, flashbacks, fears of things, real or imagined, which prevented me from living a fulfilling childhood, and caused me to live as an adult, still caught up in the mire of mental illness.  This lead to alcoholism and other behaviors that caused me to lose one job after another.  I believe that my mental illness was caused by both parents, as well as a gene carried by my mother.  My father was a pedophile of the worst kind, not that I’m sure there are varying degrees of pedophilia, and I was his victim – at least the only one I knew about.  My mother was a narcissist, who I believe also carried the gene believed to be needed in order to develop Borderline Personality Disorder.  This form of mental illness continues to plague me even today, causing irrational fears, inappropriate emotional responses to certain triggers, short, highly emotional relationships, fear of abandonment, and many other symptoms.  I also suffer from anxiety and depression.  Combine those with the MS, stomach issues, thyroid, parathyroids, and gall bladder problems and the results of all these problems, and I take 22 medications every day.

But my mind is also my greatest strength.  It got me through school with high grades, and then making the Deans list when I went back to school in the late 1980’s.  It is where my love of music, singing it and playing the guitar, saxophone, clarinet and the piano, originates from.  It is where my creativity stems from, allowing me to take a good look at myself, learning, understanding, and growing from my past.  My creativity has led me to writing, and then writing poetry, but also the ability to sit and look at an abstract design on the page and color it in, never knowing from the starting point where I will end up, but it is almost always something I feel is really good. 

What makes you feel grounded?  I think what makes me feel grounded, is being out in the country, or the woods or a forest, all of which make me more aware of this world that God created, and created me to live in, enjoying the ‘fruits of His bounty’.  Watching the fireflies blink bright green in the darkness of my campsite, or in the back yard when I was growing up (I don’t see them much now, since I’ve become city-fied. I don’t even have a backyard now.).  Or rolling down the bike path in my power chair, with only the sounds of the birds and insects that are all around me, when I am in areas that are overgrown once again with grass and bushes, and in wooded areas that I pass through.  The feel of the sun on my face in the Spring and the Fall, since I can’t be out much during the summer due to the MS, as I sit, stretched out in my chair, talking with others whom have come out to enjoy the nice weather, and the company as well.  Nature is what it is that makes me feel grounded, I guess I’d have to say if I was to put it all in one boring sentence.  😄

 

Would you rather never be able to eat warm food or never be able to eat cold food?  Oh this is an easy one.  You’ve all heard of comfort food?  Well, to me, comfort food is food that makes me feel good, and this is warm food.  Don’t get me wrong – I love my bowl of ice cream in the evening, no matter if it is in the middle of summer or the middle of winter.  But cold food can get warm, and then definitely loses its appeal so just does not apply when talking about comfort food.  You can reheat a cold dish of chili, but you can’t put melted ice cream back onto the cone.  😬

 

 

Bonus question:  What are you grateful for from last week, and what are you looking forward to in the week coming up?  From last week, I am grateful for that monthly government check which just plops itself right into my bank account every month.  I’m grateful I was able to pay all my bills for the month, and still have some money left for groceries, as well some to put towards my upcoming trip to San Antonio, TX.  

This week I am looking forward to cooler temperatures, when I will be able to go outside and enjoy myself once again.  I look forward to practicing for the events I will be taking part in, at the Valor Games Southwest, in San Antonio, TX.  The Valor Games are adaptive sports competition for disabled veterans as well as Active Duty members.  It is a time to celebrate old friends and make new ones.  I need to be able to get outside and practice for the air rifle event, find a Senior Center where I can practice my table tennis from a wheelchair, and to just go bowling.  A healthy body is a happy body.

Cee’s Share Your World is a weekly feature and all are welcome to play along.

What’s going on in your world?

 

Wheelchairs And Sports

This YouTube video is of the 36th National Veterans Wheelchair Games, in Salt Lake City, in which I took part.  I thought I would share it so you all can see a bit of the types of events I, as well as all the friends I have made over the last 9 years, take part in the course of a week.  Enjoy!

Feeling Alone

Lying in that silent room,
Mind filled with thoughts of doom,
It seems I’m so very far away,
This happen to me every day.

Needing, wanting to get out,
It seems that no one hears my shout,
So in this room, I’ll have to stay,
Every night and every day.

Why is there no one there?
Anyone who just might care?
Feeling so alone inside,
And it is here I sit and hide.

Some day I will want to get out,
But will there be anyone to hear me shout?
I need to get out in the sun,
And see the glory God has done.

~ van ~

Another Year, But Different Resolutions

New Year’s resolutions are difficult. Sometimes I set my goals too high, and end up failing, at least that’s how I feel about not meeting my goals. I’d never thought about making resolutions about my blog before, but then…why not?

What can I do to set resolutions for, that I can actually dedicate myself to doing with my blog? I am a sporadic writer at best, but I’ve been told that my writing is very powerful, due to the way I write about my subject matter, which stems from childhood sexual abuse.

I’m thinking that if people are reading my posts, and getting something from them, why don’t I try to reach more people that could benefit from my writing? How would I do that?

I don’t like to judge my blog by statistics, or followers, or number of clicks. That is why I rarely look at my statistics. I look at the comments, at what people actually think about my posts. So, if I try to reach more people that might benefit from my writing, I think I should look around and see what is out there. What I can read, what I can learn from it, and how can I help others to deal with such issues as I am?

I want to make one resolution to take a look at my Reader every day, see who is out there and what they are writing. The benefits can be two-fold. One, I can enrich my blog by learning from others, and two, I may be able to find others who could benefit from my writing. So that is resolution number 1.

My second resolution would be to interact with my readers, and those whose posts I read. This will give me ideas about how to write my posts so that they reach more people. I could do this by commenting more, rather than just ‘liking’ a post. Another way would be to visit the blogs of my readers, see where they are coming from and maybe make more friends that have similar interests, but also interests far different from the things I look at every day. So resolution #2 is to interact with my readers through commenting and looking at their sites.

My third resolution is to look more deeply into myself, find out what else might be in there that I can pull out and put into words. Resolution #3 is for introspection into my own abuse, and how it has shaped and continues to shape my life.

These seem maybe a little lofty for me, but they are something to try to attain, even if I only reach one new person a month, or learn one new thing about myself this year.

Those are my three blogging resolutions for 2016.

Someone By My Side

Thoughts that are oh, so ancient,
Yet my eyes are vacant.
Nothing shows which comes from inside,
When I try, the thoughts run and hide.

I long to have someone sit by my side,
With whom I have nothing to hide,
But I fear that she’ll never come,
And my heart will come undone.

Others are happy they have someone,
Each one knows what the other has done,
They stand together, side by side,
Because they have nothing to hide.

I have no one next to me,
I wish that others would come and see,
I have nothing at all to hide,
I bare it all, when I stand by her side.

Child Within Is Starting To Grow

If I want to get somewhere,
I need to find a way to get there,
It’s hard to get there on my own,
I need a vehicle of my own.

Most of my life was full of need,
But somewhere there, existed a seed,
When this seed started to grow,
It seemed that I was the last to know.

Last to see a whole life new,
From this seed it grew and grew.
Now I see that I can do,
Much more if I really want to.

The child that still lives inside of me,
Can be whoever she wants to be.
The labels that held her down,
Only cause her now to frown.

As this child starts to grow,
I can do much more, I know.
I can do what pleases me,
If only every one could see.

The chair that tries to hold me back,
Tried to run me off the track,
The track that leads me up and out,
Helps me make the whole world shout.

I can do whatever I please,
I can be whatever I please,
I just want everyone to know,
The child within continues to grow.

Walking Down A Lonely Trail

Not able to speak what’s on my mind,
A comforting ear is hard to find.
I have to sit and keep it in,
Or find myself buried again.

There is a trail that I must take,
That leads to a place that’ll make,
Me stronger than I was before,
Help me, I can’t find the door.

Sometimes I get beyond the door,
But every time, I know not what for.
I have to walk that lonely trail,
I need some help or I will fail.

I try again, that lonely trail,
But it seems to me of no avail,
And every time, I come right back,
The work I need, I cannot hack.

– van –

Living On The Edge

Ever feel like you’re living on the edge?
You’re in the room, but no one seems to care?
Maybe you haven’t seen them for awhile,
And they barely acknowledge you’re there.

That is the way it seems right now,
I’m starting to forget how they look,
Now, I really want to know what to do,
To get myself back in the book.

Now I’m the one way out there,
Going, God only knows where,
Getting to do things I didn’t before,
Things, that before, did not dare.

Now I go here,
Then I go there,
Where I go next,
I don’t really care

What Is It That I Want?

I’ve been told that something is better,
But somehow that scares me inside.
Do I want to go back there?
What is it I’m trying to hide?

It scares me to need less than I do now,
Would then every one ignore me?
I know not what I need, or how,
I wish that someone could see.

I’ve been wounded oh, so deep,
The depth is bottomless it seems,
There are things I just want to keep,
To fulfill those deep-rooted dreams.

Tomorrow I go once again to talk,
Of all those deep-seated needs.
To hear that something is better,
Is beyond all I could ever believe.

I Would Grant Three Wishes, To A Four Year Old – Daily Prompt

If I were a genie, with three wishes to grant, to whom would I grant them, and why?  That is an interesting question, and my answer might be a little different from you would expect.

In need of fulfilled wishes.

Fifty years ago the child, Karen was in desperate need. She needed proper nourishment, to grow and become healthy. She needed to be taken away from the abuse that was happening in her home, on a regular basis. She also had the right to be happy.

All of this was denied her, in her situation. With first one, then two baby brothers, her mother had not time for her, except when she was in one of her moods, and took it out on Karen. Karen was abused physically and emotionally by her mother, who was another person who’s needs were never met.

The abuse from her father was unspeakable.

Karen needed to have her wishes for safety, health and happiness granted, and those  are the wishes that I, as one of those genies, would grant to her.

If truth be known, now, 50 years later, the adult Karen, would be experiencing less emotional issues, than what she now faces, and with those wishes, the issues today could be less than they actually are.

– van –