Depression – Here I Come!

If my mother hadn’t died from stage 4, cervical cancer, she would have turned 76 today.

I don’t know why this is so important to me, when I hated her more each day.

I am angry that cancer got her so young.

But why, after all she had done??

If she’d gone to a doctor to get checked out,

She would have lived, I have no doubt.

She never would go to get seen,

Wouldn’t take me until my pain was keen,

Now I feel I have no one,

Who knows all my father had done,

He too has passed away,

I think of him never, in a good way.

I feel so very much alone,

I sit and wait by the phone,

There is no one I can see real soon,

The silence echos like a boom.

I’m going backwards to a past,

A time when good things never last.

Depression comes, and then it goes,

How long it will last, no one knows.

A Life Filled With Strife

Some days high,
Some days low.
What will be,
I never know.

Being sick in my head,
Sometimes it’s hard to deal,
Sometimes I want to be dead,
Sometimes I don’t know what’s real.

Lock me up for a time,
So they all can look,
See if I know what’s mine,
Then write it in a book.

Sometimes so low,
I just can’t see,
How can I ever go,
And be the real me.

Sometimes I get so high,
I feel I’m up on top,
I never really know why,
It ever has to stop.

Up and down for all my life,
I’ve known no other way,
I make my way through the strife,
And live another day.

– van –

Depression Is Such An Understated Word

I was diagnosed with depression over 30 years ago, shortly after my exodus from the US Navy.  My life was a prime example of one doomed to depression and everything that goes along with it, after all the abuse I suffered as I grew.

The good days and the bad days all seem to run together.  I am not bipolar but I do have my highs and lows.  The lows have caused me to go to some extremes with my life, and the highs have resulted in my being over-medicated.

Today, actually the past couple of weeks, I’ve been running on a low.  Today, my therapist wanted to have me hospitalized, but I refused. She got on the computer, looked up SAIL, the local  crisis center type of place, to see if they had any space available.

They did, then asked to speak to me, asking some questions, then decided I would go there.  Then she told me what to expect when I got there.  I was to be stripped of everything, take a shower, then be issued scrubs, to be worn at all times.  What about my phone?  My computer?  The Internet?

I made a decision and then had to defend that decision.  I am ok.  I am just going to sit and play my guitar, eat pizza and watch TV.  Still doubtful, huh?

Well, I played some guitar, ate some pizza, obviously I am now on the Internet, and around 10pm, I’m going to fall into my own bed, and I will sleep soundly in my own bed, without waking up with a backache.

Why must everyone make such a big fuss if I am pretty down this day or that one?

~ van ~