Up Close And Personal

I keep them at a distance,
I don’t get hurt that way,
If you let them in your heart,
They’re going to leave one day.

I didn’t have a choice back then,
She was always in my face,
I had no time, of my own,
Or my own private space.

Nothing was ever done just right,
Not a thing got past her eye,
Poking in my private stuff,
At times I thought I’d just die.

Try to keep it hidden,
You know you have done wrong,
She’d always find out in some way,
It never took her long.

No Is Never Enough (Previously published “With All The Lies, Who Am I?”)

Being ignored as a child, I wasn’t taught anything that I was supposed to have been. Instead I learned how to lie to cover my butt and save myself a beating. As I grew a little older, it just became ingrained.  I would make up things to explain why something was broken, or missing, or just not satisfactory to my mother.

I do believe that she never had one good thing to say about any of my accomplishments.  I wasn’t real at times like this.  I used to perform music at school concerts. Band, choir, duets, solos, even playing the piano, which she didn’t know I could do.  She was always there because she had to take me there.  But she never said a word about it at any time after.

I felt I didn’t do it well enough.  I wasn’t good enough, and that’s why she didn’t like me.  I learned that at a very young age, but just existed in a world where all these people around me (only in school) didn’t like me either.  I was smart and they didn’t like that.

But one thing that really stands out today, is how I was never allowed to be sick.  She had to admit that I was sick when I came home from Kindergarten with Chicken Pox.  So I missed some school due to that.  Once I was well again, I never stayed at home, no matter how sick I felt.  I had a running total of perfect attendance at school, right up until my Senior year, when my parents and I got stranded in a blizzard and no one was allowed to be on the roads for any reason.

The police took us to the Salvation Army, who took us to this rickety, old hotel, where people actually lived.  There was one room for the three of us.  We spent 4 or 5 days there, I can’t remember for sure, but for me it was pure hell.  But that broke my perfect attendance record.

Now she’s gone and I can go out if I want to, or I can stay home if I want to.  I still feel guilty, though, if I don’t go somewhere that I was supposed to go.  I have to make up a story as to why I wasn’t going.  My reasons were never good enough.  Sometimes I went anyway, because of the guilt I was feeling.  But I’m still never good enough. And just saying “no” is never enough…

~ van ~

Gasping

People gasp when they see an accident,
People gasp when they can’t get enough air,
People gasp when they get surprised,
But no one hears the tiny little gasp.

There’s a child sitting there,
As if there is no one who cares,
Inside and out the child cries,
Inside, a small part of her dies.

Why can’t the people around her see?
How more helpful could they be?
If only one had heard her cry,
Dry her tears and ask her why?

Why do you cry, little one?
What is it that someone has done,
That makes you cry right here, today?
How can I make the tears go away?

But no one cared to see her cry,
No one cared to ask her why,
Why do you do things that are bad?
What is it making you so sad?

If only one could see inside,
All the things she had to hide,
They can not make it go away,
It happens every single day.

Deep Inside

I’m not well today, I fear,
Ringing in my ears, I continue to hear,
But what is the cause of this pain that I bear?
Does anyone know, or even really care?

The tips of my fingers are all quite numb,
The fumbling they cause make me feel quite dumb,
There is something at work deep inside,
Something I know not how long I can hide.

Many storms are brewing within,
Not sure when their force will begin,
To cause me to do things I don’t want to do,
Tell someone, someone that is new.

Those who know what grows deep inside,
Think that I have nothing to hide.
But inside dwells another with me,
That one is one you don’t want to see.

Why Do I Feel Like This?

Woke up, thought things were ok,
The phone rang, upset my day.
Today I was to meet with someone,
The call came, things came undone.

My heart screams in a silent shout,
I do not want the things to come out,
I must keep them deep inside,
But sometimes it’s very hard to hide.

To hide the pain of being left alone,
I almost wish I hadn’t picked up the phone,
But that would not make things ok,
Just cause me a disrupted day.

I know that I am not to blame,
But I feel this way, just the same,
Feel that it’s because of me,
She did not want to really see.

My fear of abandonment is running wild,
But I thought it was under control,
Now the feelings have to stay inside,
The next two days I’ll have them to hide.

How To Play The Game

Life is really just a game,
You just need to know how to hide,
Hide feelings not yet given a name,
They just pile higher inside.

Every day you venture out,
You have to paste on the smile,
And certainly, without a doubt,
You’ll be able to stay awhile.

But soon it comes,
The time to go back in,
The buzz in your head hums,
Now you’re safe again.

Safe from harmful, hateful sins,
That come from within yourself,
In this case, no one wins,
It’s just put back on the shelf.

– van –