Space

They say there’s space between my ears
It has been there years and years
Wanted to fill it to the top
But she always made me stop

You see, she had to be the best
So much better than the rest
But if the truth were to be told
There was more space there up til she was cold

Some feel that better does so much good
But put’s you higher than it should
I tried to fill up all that space
I found it hard to keep the pace.

I fell here and I fell there
Regaining some space, but no one cared
Filled it up with a giant cloud
I could speak but not aloud

Within that cloud I had no fears
But had not much between my ears
Drift alone through all that air
There is no one to really care

The space now growing, oh quite fast
Know not how long I will last
Tried real hard to pass that test
Show I was better than the rest

 

 

You can see today’s taboo word below. Visit Eric, author of the All In A Dad’s Work blog and creator of the challenge, for details on participating.

 taboo

Click the blue frog to read others taking part in this fun challenge 

The Man Took Me

Taboo Word 9/7/16

I don’t remember how it began,
It was so very long ago
This was the one certain man
That would not let me go

I was so little at the start
And so my memory fails
The man who had no heart
Prevented my tiny wails

No one heard me cry at night
No one knew my fears
My heart beat fast with so much fright
My face so wet from tears

The man who never let me show
How loudly beat my heart
No one was to ever know
My words, they would not start

The man is gone, for all time
Never again, will cause me pain
The memories now forever mine
I will never be the same

~ van ~

You can see today’s taboo word below. Visit Eric, author of the All In A Dad’s Work blog and creator of the challenge, for details on participating.

 taboo

Click the blue frog to read others taking part in this fun challenge 

I Am A Winner!

Throughout the years of childhood abuse
They made me feel there was no use
Through all those years of constant strife
I could not live my very own life

A children’s view of this time
I never had a thing that was mine
Hand me downs from those of old
No longer did keep out the cold

The home itself was cold as well
Living there, I went through hell
They taught me when I moved a way
That others still had their say

In how my life to be controlled
Again I lived in that cold
Afraid to peek out of the hole
Burrowed deep within my soul

Now I live here on my own
My body now is fully grown
But carries all the scars I earned
That taught me I had never learned

But down the hole, did I fall?
Little by little I changed it all
Every night I sit for dinner
Another day  I am a winner

Afraid To Be Afraid

Someone’s been watching me

For so many years now

First every day

Every other day

Every week

Every other week

anxietyWatching over my meds

So I don’t take too much

For so many years

Overdosed twice before

Still watching over meds

Only two more weeks

Then I am done

It’s the last day anyone comes

To watch over my meds

To ask how I’m doing

Watching over me

They tell me I’m a success story

I have kind of graduated

I am a success story

One more time, then no more

Afraid to be a success

Afraid I will fail again

No one coming to check on me

Two weeks and then

It will be the last day

I’m on my own after that

Image result for fear

Afraid to be on my own

Afraid to be alone

Afraid to be afraid.

No Is Never Enough (Previously published “With All The Lies, Who Am I?”)

Being ignored as a child, I wasn’t taught anything that I was supposed to have been. Instead I learned how to lie to cover my butt and save myself a beating. As I grew a little older, it just became ingrained.  I would make up things to explain why something was broken, or missing, or just not satisfactory to my mother.

I do believe that she never had one good thing to say about any of my accomplishments.  I wasn’t real at times like this.  I used to perform music at school concerts. Band, choir, duets, solos, even playing the piano, which she didn’t know I could do.  She was always there because she had to take me there.  But she never said a word about it at any time after.

I felt I didn’t do it well enough.  I wasn’t good enough, and that’s why she didn’t like me.  I learned that at a very young age, but just existed in a world where all these people around me (only in school) didn’t like me either.  I was smart and they didn’t like that.

But one thing that really stands out today, is how I was never allowed to be sick.  She had to admit that I was sick when I came home from Kindergarten with Chicken Pox.  So I missed some school due to that.  Once I was well again, I never stayed at home, no matter how sick I felt.  I had a running total of perfect attendance at school, right up until my Senior year, when my parents and I got stranded in a blizzard and no one was allowed to be on the roads for any reason.

The police took us to the Salvation Army, who took us to this rickety, old hotel, where people actually lived.  There was one room for the three of us.  We spent 4 or 5 days there, I can’t remember for sure, but for me it was pure hell.  But that broke my perfect attendance record.

Now she’s gone and I can go out if I want to, or I can stay home if I want to.  I still feel guilty, though, if I don’t go somewhere that I was supposed to go.  I have to make up a story as to why I wasn’t going.  My reasons were never good enough.  Sometimes I went anyway, because of the guilt I was feeling.  But I’m still never good enough. And just saying “no” is never enough…

~ van ~

Another Year, But Different Resolutions

New Year’s resolutions are difficult. Sometimes I set my goals too high, and end up failing, at least that’s how I feel about not meeting my goals. I’d never thought about making resolutions about my blog before, but then…why not?

What can I do to set resolutions for, that I can actually dedicate myself to doing with my blog? I am a sporadic writer at best, but I’ve been told that my writing is very powerful, due to the way I write about my subject matter, which stems from childhood sexual abuse.

I’m thinking that if people are reading my posts, and getting something from them, why don’t I try to reach more people that could benefit from my writing? How would I do that?

I don’t like to judge my blog by statistics, or followers, or number of clicks. That is why I rarely look at my statistics. I look at the comments, at what people actually think about my posts. So, if I try to reach more people that might benefit from my writing, I think I should look around and see what is out there. What I can read, what I can learn from it, and how can I help others to deal with such issues as I am?

I want to make one resolution to take a look at my Reader every day, see who is out there and what they are writing. The benefits can be two-fold. One, I can enrich my blog by learning from others, and two, I may be able to find others who could benefit from my writing. So that is resolution number 1.

My second resolution would be to interact with my readers, and those whose posts I read. This will give me ideas about how to write my posts so that they reach more people. I could do this by commenting more, rather than just ‘liking’ a post. Another way would be to visit the blogs of my readers, see where they are coming from and maybe make more friends that have similar interests, but also interests far different from the things I look at every day. So resolution #2 is to interact with my readers through commenting and looking at their sites.

My third resolution is to look more deeply into myself, find out what else might be in there that I can pull out and put into words. Resolution #3 is for introspection into my own abuse, and how it has shaped and continues to shape my life.

These seem maybe a little lofty for me, but they are something to try to attain, even if I only reach one new person a month, or learn one new thing about myself this year.

Those are my three blogging resolutions for 2016.

Fire On The Inside

1024px-Fimmvorduhals_second_fissure_2010_04_02
A fissure on Fimmvörðuháls, by Henrik Thorburn

 

 

 

To look at me you wouldn’t know,
The things inside that grow and grow.
The outside that is calm and cool,
Every one of you, I try to fool.

But the fool is really me,
Hid inside, no one can see,
But sometimes things come boiling out,
The fire you’ll see, have no doubt.

But with the fire the tears do come,
It may seem childish to some,
But the hurt runs down my face as tears,
Easing some hurt from long passed years.

The tears wash away some pain,
A better outlook, I might obtain,
This outlook helps me to see,
When I’m not how I should be.

There’s No One There

I feel the dread in the air,
I fear that no one will be there,
I turn around to look and see,
Where that someone should be.
But again, or course, there’s no one there,
Just a mist in the air.
Is it true I’m being followed?
Don’t they know that’s not allowed?
I fear to look too deep inside,
And find those things I want to hide.
Things that I cannot bear,
I fear that no one will really care.
And so I hide so far away,
You’ll never find me any day,
But something else just wants to shout,
Why the hell won’t you let me out?

Walking Down A Lonely Trail

Not able to speak what’s on my mind,
A comforting ear is hard to find.
I have to sit and keep it in,
Or find myself buried again.
There is a trail that I must take,
That leads to a place that’ll make,
Me stronger than I was before,
Help me, I can’t find the door.
Sometimes I get beyond the door,
But every time, I know not what for.
I have to walk that lonely trail,
I need some help or I will fail.
I try again, that lonely trail,
But it seems to me of no avail,
And every time, I come right back,
The work I need, I cannot hack.

– van –

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

Started seeing someone new,
It is time to move on.
It’s been almost a year,
Since I’ve seen the one.

The one who greeted me,
Those days almost a year ago,
With a fresh cup of coffee,
How was I to know?

Can’t get too close to anyone,
Though it might feel quite good,
Cause one day they’ll be gone,
Like everyone else would.

And now it’s happening again,
It’s time to start anew,
With someone I’ve never seen before,
To be added to the precious few.

The ones I open my soul to,
They hear all my pains and my fears,
From living in a place,
For far too many years.

Hello, goodbye, and here I go,
Getting ready to do it again.
To give all my trust,
With the things that have been,

So harmful, they hurt my soul,
My self-esteem is gone,
From damages, emotional and physical,
From whom should have been the one

To keep me safe from harm,
To watch me as I grow,
To guide me when I need it,
How am I supposed to know?

Hello, goodbye, soon to be gone,
After such a short time,
To start again, the merry-go-round,
The secrets no longer just mine.

– van-