The Queendom

Taboo Word  9/14/16

Once upon a time, there was an evil prince, and he found himself a princess.  Neither of them knew the other was sick, or just how sick they were.  They were together a year before they had a child.  The child was a girl, a princess, and now the woman was a queen.  She was a queen_mary_of_romania_3wicked queen.  They had another child.  The child was a boy, a prince, and now the man was a king.  He was wrong.  He thought he was still the king but the queen was a wicked, evil, queen and she ruled over the kingdom, and she ruled over the king as well.

So the queen and the king had another child.  The child was a boy, another prince, and the queen continued to rule of what was now the queendom.  The two princes both wanted to become the king some day, and they battled with each other, each attempting to be the better prince.  The queen continued ruling over the queendom, and the princess seemed to be pushed aside, forgotten.

So the king decided that his only resource was the princess.  He would take the princess around the queendom, showing her all the wonders that existed within the land.  There were trees and lakes, hills and valleys, and all that the princess saw overwhelmed her. 

But one cold night, the king crept into the bed of the princess, and he held her, touched her, told her how beautiful she was.  In the queendom, the princess was not well liked.  The two princes would fight with her all the times, and the other children in the land would pick fights with her as well.  This made the princess feel bad, and sometimes she would even cry.  She would cry at night when no one could hear her.  The king thought he was at least powerful to the princess, if not the queen, and that made him happy.

The king went to the princess many, many nights, and the princess became scared, especially at night.  The king started to hurt the child, because his sickness caused him to prey upon the little girls.  Having the princess right there in the palace made his visits very satisfying to him.  When he would leave her, the princess would become very angry any time the king came near her, and he did every time that every chance he got when the queen wasn’t around.

The queen was very evil and she treated the princess and the princes very badly.  She gave them very little to eat, and kept all the good things for herself.  She was angry with them and would treat them very roughly.

One by one, the souls of the princess and the princes became very dark.  They had learned from the queen and her lessons were very well absorbed by each of them.  None of them wanted to continue, and all wanted to flee the palace.  But there was nowhere to flee to.  One by one, as soon as they were old enough to make this a go on their own, they left the palace for good.

The king died from loneliness, and the queen ran off with another king.  The children of the king and queen, unfortunately became as evil as the queen, and took their anger out on every one in the kingdom, until one night, and group of princes crept upon them very quietly, and ended the misery they were causing, and the misery that lived within each of them.  Then once again there was a prince, and he waited, and waited to find a princess….



You can see today’s taboo word below. Visit Eric, author of the All In A Dad’s Work blog and creator of the challenge, for details on participating.


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Family – Real Or Not?

I have a small family. I have a large extended family. I have a spiritual family. I have an online family.  🙂

I am not currently engaging with anyone in my family(ies), except I am always engaging with my online family, both here and on Facebook. My small family consists of myself and two brothers. One has distanced himself so far away that I never hear or see him (except for my mother’s funeral). He does not call or send greeting cards for any occasion. My other brother lives far away and I don’t get to see him often. He is the youngest and, like myself, has many talents. If I would have to name my closest family, it’s the family I have with him and his wife.

I have no sisters, and I am the oldest in the family. All of us scattered far away from the place we called home, but was just a house with five people living inside. ‘Home’ was a tiny town in Upstate New York. Now the oldest brother lives in Sanders KY, the youngest in Whitesboro TX, and I reside in Racine, WI. We all are spread far from home, and each other.

If I were to ask myself why this might have happened, the answers are difficult to actually form as words on the computer screen. All three of us were emotionally and physically abused by my mother, and I also lived with sexual abuse from my father. Maybe if we lived closer together, it would trigger some of those old memories that are buried deep inside each of us. I’m sure that our perspectives were all different, as we all remember things in different ways. But I know that we all have some memories that will always haunt us, whether we are able to voice them or not. Don’t get me wrong, I love my brothers and sister-in-law very much and that will never change.

There is one other person that I would have to add as family. He was my mother’s boyfriend after my father died, and before she died of cancer. He is like a dad to me, a real dad who loves me, cares about what and how I’m doing, and shows this often. The only problem is that he lives back in New York, and I don’t see him very often, and his phone calls are sporadic, as he is always busy traveling around the country, or bowling, or any of a number of things. He is my ‘Dad’.

So, I live a solitary life, occasionally interacting with some of my neighbors, but not often. It’s just myself and my cat. She is good company but doesn’t compare to live human beings. I do not feel loved, or needed, or even cared about, at times.

I continue on, often in the throes of depression, but I kicked the alcohol 17 years ago. I kicked the cigarettes almost nine years ago. But I still do not take care of myself. They ask me every time they see me if I have eaten, how often do I eat, and what do I eat when I do eat. I do not exercise, except when I’m competing in sports that are adapted for wheelchair users. I forget to take medications all the time. They don’t work well if I don’t take them.

Sometimes I just want to give up. Being alone is a hard, but a safe way for me to live. I have at times given up and the results were never good. So I keep on going, family or no family.

Another Year, But Different Resolutions

New Year’s resolutions are difficult. Sometimes I set my goals too high, and end up failing, at least that’s how I feel about not meeting my goals. I’d never thought about making resolutions about my blog before, but then…why not?

What can I do to set resolutions for, that I can actually dedicate myself to doing with my blog? I am a sporadic writer at best, but I’ve been told that my writing is very powerful, due to the way I write about my subject matter, which stems from childhood sexual abuse.

I’m thinking that if people are reading my posts, and getting something from them, why don’t I try to reach more people that could benefit from my writing? How would I do that?

I don’t like to judge my blog by statistics, or followers, or number of clicks. That is why I rarely look at my statistics. I look at the comments, at what people actually think about my posts. So, if I try to reach more people that might benefit from my writing, I think I should look around and see what is out there. What I can read, what I can learn from it, and how can I help others to deal with such issues as I am?

I want to make one resolution to take a look at my Reader every day, see who is out there and what they are writing. The benefits can be two-fold. One, I can enrich my blog by learning from others, and two, I may be able to find others who could benefit from my writing. So that is resolution number 1.

My second resolution would be to interact with my readers, and those whose posts I read. This will give me ideas about how to write my posts so that they reach more people. I could do this by commenting more, rather than just ‘liking’ a post. Another way would be to visit the blogs of my readers, see where they are coming from and maybe make more friends that have similar interests, but also interests far different from the things I look at every day. So resolution #2 is to interact with my readers through commenting and looking at their sites.

My third resolution is to look more deeply into myself, find out what else might be in there that I can pull out and put into words. Resolution #3 is for introspection into my own abuse, and how it has shaped and continues to shape my life.

These seem maybe a little lofty for me, but they are something to try to attain, even if I only reach one new person a month, or learn one new thing about myself this year.

Those are my three blogging resolutions for 2016.

Out Of My Comfort Zone – Dungeon Prompt

Over the last couple of years, I’ve written about abuse, my feelings for my parents, and explored more deeply into myself, unearthing memories and connecting them with emotions and actions that I am currently experiencing.
My objective here, is to write something outside my norm, outside the area in
which I have become comfortable about what I am writing. So what I’m going to do now, is write in some way, as to say positive things about myself, in the third person.
She gets along with everyone, even those who are troublesome to her. Her talents are many, including adaptive sports, poetry, playing the guitar, maintaining the church website, photography, and now I need to stop and think some more, as fear is sticking its head in and blocking anything positive about her.
She is quite intelligent and has excellent insight. She is extremely shy, but will still join in a conversation.
Her greatest love is Sudoku. Before she was diagnosed with MS, she had no interest in Sudoku. But in an attempt to train her brain not to give in to cognitive issues, started doing crossword puzzles and Sudoku puzzles. It would be safe to say she is hooked on Sudoku. I mean really hooked.

Humbling Myself – Dungeon Prompt

I had to learn the difference between humbling myself and humility.

Growing up as a sexually abused child, as well as other abuses, I felt humiliated by what I thought that made me be. As a child I was humiliated by my clothing, my glasses, my teeth (very crooked then), and just my appearance and bearing, even though then I didn’t know what bearing meant.

It took years of abuse, and then years of what I thought of as failure, and what I thought that years of alcoholism, to make me feel very humiliated. I did not know about humility.

Many years of psycho-therapy did not change how I felt about myself down deep.

Then, when stories of abuse started coming out, I finally felt that I belonged somewhere, that I was somebody. I was wrong.

After being diagnosed with MS and eventually needing an aide to do some things for me, in order to continue to live by myself, I finally got an aide who was the wife of a pastor. I didn’t want to hear about anything relating to religion, God, or churches. I didn’t need that. Again, I was wrong.

One day I asked my aide if I could try going to her church, and she gladly picked me up every week so that I could go. I got better emotionally, and started feeling proud of myself, my past, and getting to where I then was. I thought that was where it ended. Again, I was wrong.

More than once, I was knocked off my high horse, as my mother used to say, and discover that what my past had been like, and what I thought of as overcoming it made me I started to feel pride. Going to church, accepting Jesus as my savior, and confessing my sins, made me feel proud to be where I was, to sing on the Worship Team, to make new friends, I was right up there beside God.

Uh oh. When I started skipping church, because I no longer needed it, I fell back into old habits, bad habits. I had to humble myself, and confess again and again and again, that I had fallen like I had, that I first felt the stirrings of humility.

Now, I’m a gold medalist in several wheelchair adaptive sports, coming home, proud of what I had accomplished. Every time I get to this point, I realize that it wasn’t me. It was God in me, that allowed me to get to where I was.

Now, in order to humble myself, I have to remember that if it weren’t for God, I wouldn’t even be here. Without God, I wouldn’t have made the changes in my life that I’ve made, or make the accomplishments that I have made.

I have to talk with someone more knowledgeable than myself, and also get down on my knees, and confess again, that I have gone astray, that I have sinned, and that I’m nothing without God. I make myself accountable through others, and to God.

I usually have to do this every day or two, praying for God to forgive me and ‘knock me off my high horse.”

Now I Get It – Dungeon Prompt

For years I had been going to the doctor, with this problem, or that problem, or the other, yet we couldn’t seem to figure out why I was having any of these problems.

One especially bad day, when my limbs all felt like they weighed 200 pounds each, and while just sitting, I felt like I was going to pitch right over onto my face.  I went to the Emergency Department at my VA Hospital.  They ran tests, they did a CT-scan, and after eight hours in the ER, I was admitted.

There was still no explanation as to why I felt the way I did.  The next day an MRI of my brain was done.  Four days later, on Friday the 13th of July, 2007, I was visited by my neurologist, who then told me that she was 99.9% sure that I had MS.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, they also found a 9 mm aneuryism on my right, inner carotid artery, which required surgery ASAP.

Two weeks later, the surgery was done, but the MS was still there.  It came to the point where I needed some help in order to keep on living independently.  The VA ordered an aide for three hours, twice a week.  That was the beginning of the rest of my life.

I got an aide who was the wife of a biker church minister.  I hadn’t thought about religion, or anything close to it up until then, and I didn’t want to hear anything from her about it.

Then one day, I asked her about it, checked out their church, and continued to go until I found God, which didn’t take very long.

That was when I had my now-I-get-it moment.  Things weren’t just happening to me, there was a plan in place that no one but God knew about, or why it was there.  I one day suddenly realized that if I hadn’t been diagnosed with MS and the aneurysm, I would not have found my way to God.  What a rough road it has been, but the benefits of this plan, way out-weighed any need for an explanation to the question, “Why?”

Now I know.

Redemption – Dungeon Prompts

RedemptionOnly I can truly see,
The junk that lives inside of me,
The stuff I try so hard to hide,
To keep it way down deep inside.

Do I want to stay this way?

Can I make it go away?

Through things done not only to me?

Things that no one else can see?

The answer to all of this is no!
There are things that have to go!
How can I get rid of these?
Only One I need to please.

When I get on bended knee,
And ask for Him to help me see,
Redemption is the only way out,
So, for this I’m going to shout!

In order for me to be set free,
From all the pain inside of me,
Is ask for Him who is watching all,
Be the one to make that call.

And redemption for all that hinders me,
Through His love, will I truly be free.

Patterns – Dungeon Prompt

Patterns are a part of life, including mine. If I were to state the most obvious pattern that I’ve seen in my life, it is in my expectations about an upcoming holiday.

To pick the most obvious pattern in my life about holidays, it is in the anticipation of what is to come, followed by a great feeling of being let down when the holiday has arrived.

As an example, Christmas is probably the most obvious one, followed by my birthdays. These are days of increasing anticipation, due to the child that still resides within me, and then the letdown when I don’t get all those gifts that subconsciously I was expecting, but then did not receive.

I am now in what I like to call, ‘Upper-middle age’, and I still go through these cycles every year, despite the fact that both of my parents are deceased, one brother is two hours away by plane, and another two hours by car, and the other brother has not been in contact with me in over 2 1/2 years.

Who then, am I expecting to get such great things from? You’d have to ask that inner child, as I cannot reason it out in my adult being.

Today is the 4th of July. There is a parade going on downtown, cookouts all over the city, and fireworks tonight. I will only be part of a get-together with friends here where I live, to share a meal, fun and laughter.

That will never satisfy the expectations that the child has for this day, but it is better than being alone, which I have been doing for way too many years.

What I Would Like To Learn – Dungeon Prompts

This post is in response to the Dungeon Prompt, What I Would Like To Learn.   Many may think this is odd, coming from someone who is a wheelchair user, but what I would like to learn . . . is to ride a motorcycle.

I belong to a Biker church and have seen bikers, after a long ride through a forest, or stopping beneath an overpass due to the driving rain that came out of nowhere.

I have ridden on the back of a bike several times, and once I even took a video of the passing scenery, and of the front of the motorcycle.  The feel of the wind in my hair, the air rushing past my body, all contribute to my desire to learn to ride.

Most of all, though, I just want to prove to myself that I can get out of this chair, and get out and enjoy something I love, without having to depend on others in order to ride.

Who Is God?

No one ever sees His face,
Not until one leaves this place.

Is He everywhere?
Is He nowhere?

He arose from where everyone saw,
Up into the clouds, one’s hanging jaw.

If you ask Him what you want,
You are maybe thin and gaunt.

Is there pain one cannot bear?
I’ll pray for you so He can hear.

If you believe, without a doubt,
Then He’ll answer, without a shout.

God is everything to me,
If not for Him, I would not be.

He sees everything that I’ve done,
His grace, I know that I have won.

In His arms someday I’ll be,
On that day I’ll get to see.

The place He has made for me,
And the lost ones I will see.