What Is A Mother?

A mother is someone who bore you with love,
My mother was none of the above.

A mother is one who takes care of you,
My mother had more important things to do.

A mother is one who watches you grow,
My mother didn’t even want to know.

A mother is one who cures you ills,
My mother thought you had to have chills.

A mother sits with you when you are sick,
My mother was more of a country hick.

A mother is one who will give you a hug,
My mother treated me like a bug.

What is a mother to all of you?
What is a mother, I wish I knew.

Two days from today, my parents would have been married 57 years.  But in the end, disease brought both of them down.  I ran away as soon as I could, to get away from all the abuse.  But already, at the age of 17, I had PTSD.  This led to alcohol, to failure of everything I tried to do with my life, just like my mother predicted.  Now I have a disease she knows nothing about.  This has turned my life around.  I found God.  I found other, hidden health problems.  I found a new way of life.  I found myself.

Secrecy

Secrecy can be a very lonely place.  If you were to sit around, talking with people, you never know when something is going to trigger a secret to accidentally pop out.  With some things, it’s not really that big of a deal, because I know that the things that have to be secret, will never come boiling to the top, just waiting for a chance to pop out.

Those things don’t come out, even when you have a mental health provider, sitting there, trying to find out what makes you tick, or maybe in my situation, stop ticking.  If these things get stirred up, the anger that resides down there with those secrets, is what might actually pop out.

To try and avoid that from happening, I just shut the door.  On everything.  Then I sit there with nothing on my face or my tongue.  And what does come out, really isn’t that relevant.  So I live my life, day-to-day, without really feeling anything, and that’s a lonely place.  I really don’t like going there, because bad things happen.

So I write.  Sometimes I come up with something deep and meaningful, and other times I come up with drivel that no one really cares about at all – not even me.  But for me, writing is a very useful tool, because my fingers can say what my mouth cannot.

Often, when I get on my site, I really don’t know what might pop into my head and out of my fingers.  But there are a few occasions when I end up digging deep and bring up something I didn’t really know was there.

I can write most anything, because those who are following me, I only know by the way they talk about things.  It’s the silent followers who just happen to know my blog’s address, and are taking in all those things that I put down here.  So secrecy protects me from having to talk or feel anything about something that I don’t want.

~ van ~