The Lake So Deep

I feel deserted, no one is there

Getting used to having no one care

No one knows the depth of my fear

Maybe that’s why they don’t come near


I used to drive them all away

Know there’s nothing I can say

See me here in deep despair

Has me pulling out my hair


They all laugh as though they see

The misery deep inside of me

It’s getting to be easier to take

No longer crying to fill a lake


That lake, I know it is quite deep

And there is where my secrets keep

The way he came, caused me fear

Every time I felt him near


⊗ van ⊗

Soul In Despair

I’ve often wondered where I would be today, if my life hadn’t started off in the manner in which it did. The first 17 years of my life, full of every sort of abuse, by both of my parents. I ran away when I was 17 to continue my life, filled with all kinds of musical desires, and classes.

I quickly learned how lonely I really was away from home. This made no sense to me, so instead of finding myself, I went out into the street, searching for someone to fill the void that had been somehow left in me.

Alcohol soon became my new companion, along with all the problems that it can cause. The only good thing about this was that I wasn’t a licensed driver, therefore wasn’t bothered with DUI’s. The city buses ran late at night, enabling me to drink myself senseless, and then stagger back to my new home, and my new bed.

The loneliness, however, drove me into unknown places, unknown faces, faces that only wanted one thing and one thing only, and I could never say no.

After two years of this, my soul succumbed, and my life and dream was in shambles. Unable mentally to return to my parent’s home, I chose to run very far away, and into the Navy.

After eight weeks of mental and physical torture, I was released into what seemed to be endless freedom, and went to the wonderful state of Illinois. Great Lakes, otherwise known as Great Mistakes. I had no choice at that point in where I was sent, and it wasn’t good.

I don’t believe any place I might’ve been sent to, would really have been good, because the problems that occurred came from within my own soul . . . planted there when I was growing up, never to really go away.

And so, today, my soul remains in despair.

~ van ~


What Is A Mother?

A mother is someone who bore you with love,
My mother was none of the above.

A mother is one who takes care of you,
My mother had more important things to do.

A mother is one who watches you grow,
My mother didn’t even want to know.

A mother is one who cures you ills,
My mother thought you had to have chills.

A mother sits with you when you are sick,
My mother was more of a country hick.

A mother is one who will give you a hug,
My mother treated me like a bug.

What is a mother to all of you?
What is a mother, I wish I knew.

Two days from today, my parents would have been married 57 years.  But in the end, disease brought both of them down.  I ran away as soon as I could, to get away from all the abuse.  But already, at the age of 17, I had PTSD.  This led to alcohol, to failure of everything I tried to do with my life, just like my mother predicted.  Now I have a disease she knows nothing about.  This has turned my life around.  I found God.  I found other, hidden health problems.  I found a new way of life.  I found myself.