So many years have passed since I left home. I moved out at 17, when I went away to college. Even the memories from that time are vague. I soon learned I could drown it all out with a bottle of vodka, missing classes due first to hangovers, then the fact that I was too drunk to go to class. My fourth semester, I totally bombed out at school, which resulted in the loss of two scholarships.
It only took me about a month to decide I had to move away again. I joined the Navy. Boot Camp was difficult for me. I was going through withdrawal from the alcohol, but I didn’t want them to know that. I wanted to get through it as quickly as possible, so I could move on to a somewhat less strict environment. When I was diagnosed with mono, I was afraid that would hold me back in my training, that I wouldn’t graduate with the rest of my class. But I did, though I wasn’t actually at the ceremony, due to my illness.
This proved to be my downfall however, which eventually led to discharge from the military. Their reasoning – “Unsuitability due to alcohol abuse. Not recommended for reenlistment.” That took me all of nine months to accomplish. I was drowning in alcohol uncontrollably, with no clear way out that I could see.
Those memories though, continued to haunt me. Some were very distinct, while others were just vague memories that I couldn’t bring to the forefront, but still knew they were there. I remember fear. At night, my heart would pound from the fear, causing me to think that I was hearing his footsteps coming down the hall to my room. Sometimes they were, sometimes not. But this was tearing up the insides of a young child, eventually a young adult, with no clear path that would lead me to safety. I dreamed of running away to live in an abandoned cabin in the woods. I had read a book when I was in Second grade, titled, “The Boxcar Children.” It was a story about three young children, who ran away from their grandfather’s house. They lived in an old boxcar that was still on the tracks, in the woods.
It has taken years upon years to reach the point where I am today. I’m not sure I know exactly where that is, but I now have psychiatric diagnoses, which explain why my life is the way it is now. It explains the odd symptoms, which in the past led me to attempted suicide, more than once. Thankfully, i survived those attempts. I have been in psycho-therapy for more years than I can even count. But I have progressed greatly.
My blog clearly describes my life with childhood sexual abuse. When your abuser is your father, well . . .
Taboo Word Challenge for 9/22/16
You can see today’s taboo word below. Visit Eric, author of the All In A Dad’s Work blog and creator of the challenge, for details on participating.
Click the blue frog to read others taking part in this fun challenge