Four years ago today
You finally had the last say
But still you plague me deep inside
Never really able to hide
Words so harsh they made me cry
Words so mean I wondered why
Why did no one know
A way long time ago
That mental illness can be passed
Even to the very last
I thank you Mom, for this gift
I hope it gave you a lift
Taboo Word 9/7/16
I don’t remember how it began,
It was so very long ago
This was the one certain man
That would not let me go
I was so little at the start
And so my memory fails
The man who had no heart
Prevented my tiny wails
No one heard me cry at night
No one knew my fears
My heart beat fast with so much fright
My face so wet from tears
The man who never let me show
How loudly beat my heart
No one was to ever know
My words, they would not start
The man is gone, for all time
Never again, will cause me pain
The memories now forever mine
I will never be the same
~ van ~
You can see today’s taboo word below. Visit Eric, author of the All In A Dad’s Work blog and creator of the challenge, for details on participating.
Click the blue frog to read others taking part in this fun challenge
Throughout the years of childhood abuse
They made me feel there was no use
Through all those years of constant strife
I could not live my very own life
A children’s view of this time
I never had a thing that was mine
Hand me downs from those of old
No longer did keep out the cold
The home itself was cold as well
Living there, I went through hell
They taught me when I moved a way
That others still had their say
In how my life to be controlled
Again I lived in that cold
Afraid to peek out of the hole
Burrowed deep within my soul
Now I live here on my own
My body now is fully grown
But carries all the scars I earned
That taught me I had never learned
But down the hole, did I fall?
Little by little I changed it all
Every night I sit for dinner
Another day I am a winner
I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder many years ago, and have been taking pretty much the same medications over this time. I have BPD. I know I have it. I recognize the symptoms when they get worse. I wouldn’t dream of stopping them, for fear of the consequences.
It has long been thought that BPD was caused by abuse as a child, or some other horrendous trauma experienced when young. It has been brought to my attention that in order for someone to develop BPD, there has to be one or both parents who suffer from this disorder. This disorder is passed on genetically.
Without the genetics, BPD does not occur, despite popular belief, because of chronic abuse as a child, alone. The gene must also be present. I realized a couple years ago, that my mother must have had the same disorder. Based on the way that she treated me, along with the sexual abuse from my father, I developed BPD.
There has to be at least five symptoms a person must have to be diagnosed with this disorder.
To be diagnosed with BPD, five of these nine symptoms must be present. When I finally learned about Borderline Personality Disorder, it was sort of an ‘aha’ moment. Now, things that I feel or do, I understand why. I suffer from eight of these nine symptoms.
I understand why I will do almost anything to prevent what I perceive as abandonment. I understand why all of my relationships were either inappropriate, extremely intense and unstable. I understand why I have a great deal of new debt, that has occurred after the agreement with the debt management program, that I would not apply for anymore credit cards, and this new debt is due to three new credit cards. I understand why I became a chronic alcoholic (Nearly 17 years sober now). I understand the cuts on my arms, the overdoses, and all the threats of suicide, and all of the psychiatric hospitalizations.
I understand now, why I am me, and why I still do many of the things on that list. Do you now understand me?
I have a small family. I have a large extended family. I have a spiritual family. I have an online family. 🙂
I am not currently engaging with anyone in my family(ies), except I am always engaging with my online family, both here and on Facebook. My small family consists of myself and two brothers. One has distanced himself so far away that I never hear or see him (except for my mother’s funeral). He does not call or send greeting cards for any occasion. My other brother lives far away and I don’t get to see him often. He is the youngest and, like myself, has many talents. If I would have to name my closest family, it’s the family I have with him and his wife.
I have no sisters, and I am the oldest in the family. All of us scattered far away from the place we called home, but was just a house with five people living inside. ‘Home’ was a tiny town in Upstate New York. Now the oldest brother lives in Sanders KY, the youngest in Whitesboro TX, and I reside in Racine, WI. We all are spread far from home, and each other.
If I were to ask myself why this might have happened, the answers are difficult to actually form as words on the computer screen. All three of us were emotionally and physically abused by my mother, and I also lived with sexual abuse from my father. Maybe if we lived closer together, it would trigger some of those old memories that are buried deep inside each of us. I’m sure that our perspectives were all different, as we all remember things in different ways. But I know that we all have some memories that will always haunt us, whether we are able to voice them or not. Don’t get me wrong, I love my brothers and sister-in-law very much and that will never change.
There is one other person that I would have to add as family. He was my mother’s boyfriend after my father died, and before she died of cancer. He is like a dad to me, a real dad who loves me, cares about what and how I’m doing, and shows this often. The only problem is that he lives back in New York, and I don’t see him very often, and his phone calls are sporadic, as he is always busy traveling around the country, or bowling, or any of a number of things. He is my ‘Dad’.
So, I live a solitary life, occasionally interacting with some of my neighbors, but not often. It’s just myself and my cat. She is good company but doesn’t compare to live human beings. I do not feel loved, or needed, or even cared about, at times.
I continue on, often in the throes of depression, but I kicked the alcohol 17 years ago. I kicked the cigarettes almost nine years ago. But I still do not take care of myself. They ask me every time they see me if I have eaten, how often do I eat, and what do I eat when I do eat. I do not exercise, except when I’m competing in sports that are adapted for wheelchair users. I forget to take medications all the time. They don’t work well if I don’t take them.
Sometimes I just want to give up. Being alone is a hard, but a safe way for me to live. I have at times given up and the results were never good. So I keep on going, family or no family.
Misery comes in different ways,
It can last for weeks, or just for days,
My misery started long ago,
Silent so no one would know.
When I was only just a child
When the misery would run wild,
Some causes came in dark of night,
Other causes during daylight.
But as I aged, learned how to shout,
I became able to let some out,
But there’s some that stays within,
It seems this war, I’ll never win.
At night he haunts me in my dreams,
During the light she always wins,
Now I’m trapped within these walls,
They know I’m here, but no one calls.
A test, they say, will let us see,
What is happening inside of me,
This misery I have had for days,
Bothers my life, in many ways.
But when all is said and done,
I pray I’ll once more see the sun,
That will be my very own way,
I’m going to live another day.
– van –
PTSD, oh how hard it can be.
See things over and over again,
Some things, not remembering them,
Some things I’ll never do again.
PTSD, makes me scared of life,
Growing up, filled with strife,
Used to get the great big knife,
But something keeps me clinging to life.
I see things over and over again,
They hide deep inside my head,
I won’t do this, I won’t do that,
But other things, keep doing this or that.
Programmed deep within my soul,
What will it take to make me whole?
Memories keep rushing to the top,
I don’t know how to make it stop.
~ van ~
Do You Really Know Me?
I have done several challenges, but I’m not so sure about surveys. Maybe I’ll even get to know me a little better.
1 – Boxer shorts or budgy smugglers? I don’t know what budgy smugglers are, and I don’t wear boxers, so I guess I would have to answer with neither.
2 – What color of underwear are you currently wearing? Pink. They match the shirt and socks;
3 – How long have you been wearing them for? About 3 1/2 hours
4 – Do you ever use binoculars to watch people? The only pair of binoculars I own can’t see through walls, and I don’t usually take them with me when I go outside, so no.
5 – Have you ever kicked someone in the groin? You have no idea how many times I’ve wanted to do this, but I’d just lose my balance and fall down.
6 – Would you pull a trigger? Would and have (I was in the military).
7 – If you met your favorite celebrity, and they wanted to make out with you, would you? No, because I know it would lead nowhere, and I want to go somewhere.
8 – Have you ever slept in the same bed with someone you were not in a relationship with (not talking about sex and one-night-stands)? Yes. He wanted sex, but I didn’t. He ended up staying for the night though.
9 – Have you had one-night-stands? No.
10 – Does sex have the same importance to you now compared to when you were younger? Due to aging and medical issues, I would have to say no.
11 – Have you ever eaten a worm? They look like fat mini-snakes, and snakes is what I hate the most. ABSOLUTELY NOT!!
12 – What’s the grossest thing you’ve eaten? Raw squid.
13 – How long do you spend sitting on the toilet? As long as it takes.
14 – What do you do when you sit there (besides the obvious)? Play Sudoku on my tablet.
15 – Have you ever been peed at? Why would someone even do that? No.
16 – What’s the grossest thing you have ever swallowed? That goes back to the squid.
17 – What’s the constantly dirtiest place in your home? The bathroom. No matter how hard we try, neither my aides or I can ever keep up with the cat litter. You can sweep the entire floor thoroughly, and when you have finished, there is still litter on the floor.
18 – Why don’t you clean it? It’s hard for me to do that from my wheelchair.
19 – Do you eat your boogers? That is absolutely gross. No.
20 – Can you describe the one smell that makes you gag? Vomit
21 – Have you ever had head lice? No
22 – Have you ever been utterly disappointed in someone? Absolutely. It was someone I trust completely, and yet they let me down.
23 – Have you ever been scared of someone? This one is easy. I was afraid of my mother for the first 53 years of my life.
24 – What do you do when you’re drunk that you wouldn’t want anyone to know about? I no longer drink, and I can’t remember much of what I did when I used to get drunk. That’s probably why I quit drinking.
25 – Have you tried pole dancing? The only pole I get close to is the one in my bedroom I use to transfer back and forth from my chair to my bed.
26 – Have you been in a strip club? I’ve never even seen one from the outside No.
27 – Have you ever run over an animal? Back home I would run over the occasional woodchuck.
28 – Have you ever peed in snow? I would freeze my you know what off if I tried to do that. No.
29 – Have you ever made fun of someone and then regretted it? Way too many times.
30 – What’s your favorite kind of question on Cards for Humanity (if you know the game)? Do not know this game.
31 – If the father of your best friend hit on you, what would you say to him? Get lost mf.
32 – Would you go out on a date with someone half your age or double your age? Not half my age, but I did end up in a relationship with someone who was two years older than my mother.
33 – Do you clean the sink after brushing your teeth? I rinse it out.
34 – Have you ever spat in someone’s food or drink? Never. I have such a bad case of dry mouth from all the meds I take, I would have to build up enough to even be able to spit.
35 – Have you ever kissed someone only to be grossed out afterwards? More times than I care to remember.
36 – What is your number one goal in life, and are you living it? When I learned I had MS, I started setting goals. The number one goal is to never give up. I’m still here so I guess I haven’t given up.
38 – Have you ever danced and/or cried in the rain? I don’t like being out in the rain. No.
39 – Have you ever ditched work to just chill out on your own (with or without Netflix)? When I was a whole lot younger than I am now.
40 – What do you wish you were doing right now (anything goes)? Shopping. I love just going out to find something to buy. But it’s raining outside, and I would have to wait in the rain, in my power wheelchair to catch a bus.
This was a lot more fun than I expected it to be. There was no nomination list, so I nominate you all to take this survey, so we can all learn how bad each of us are.
Happy thinking…
~ van ~
I’m not too fond of winter these days, for many reasons. My body can’t regulate it’s core temperature, so I can’t be out in the cold for long. I get around in a wheelchair and do not have a vehicle of my own. Therefore, I must rely on public transportation that is door to door, which can cost as much as $5 each way.
The wheelchairs that I use are not snow friendly at all. I can’t move around in snow at all with the manual chair. I can move around in my power chair, but it slides on ice and can lose traction in the snow. Therefore, I’m not too fond of winter, though I do like to take winter photos.
Many years ago, and I mean MANY, when I was a child, winter was fun, except when it snowed so much that school was closed. That meant that I had to stay home and suffer through whatever mood my mother might be in.
When it snowed, we wanted to go out and play in the snow. We lived out in the country, on two acres of land that had a bit of a slant. That made for excellent sledding. Sometimes it was so good we might not stop in time and either run into the trees on the edge of the yard, or go between them and right out onto the road.
The problem, though, was that whenever we wanted to go outside, we had to ask permission first. For me, this was a scary action. I was always afraid of my mother. Living like this caused great anxiety, GERD, and other behaviors such as theft and arson. Yes, you read that correctly – arson. There was also other behavior problems but I’m not going to go into them here. That is for another post.
If she was in a bad mood, she would not allow us to go outside to play. This doesn’t make any sense, as that meant we were trapped inside with her, and subject to her moods if we played too loudly, or ran in the house.
If she was in a good mood, she would let us go out, but only after bundling up in so much winter clothing, we could barely move. But once we got outside, it was great. We would slide down the hill if the snow was right. We would build snow forts and fire snow balls at one another. We also dug tunnels and caves in the snow that piled up high from the driveway being plowed. This was one of my most favorite activities, and one of my fondest memories. When we were cold and wet enough we went back inside.
I had an escape route that could take me away from my mother’s moods. When I started learning to read, I was hungry for more and more books to read. Once I was older, I could spend and entire day, in my room, reading books that I brought home from the school library.
Reading was an activity that grew with me, and stayed with me, until I got sick and my cognitive abilities and memory were very poor. Due to a lack of concentration, I could never stick with a book long enough to read it and enjoy it. To this day, I have several books around my apartment, with bookmarks in them, never to be picked up again.
This was a sad turn of events for me, but my appetite for the Internet turned into an obsession, and it still controls me to this day. I just switched from one kind of control (my mother) to the Internet, to which I can honestly say I am addicted to. It controls me by causing me to miss medication doses, ignore the TV entirely, and even forgo meals.
I have to admit that I’m not even trying to break this form of control. It’s my only opening to the outside world, where I can go wherever I want, whenever I want.
It makes me feel that I am finally in control.
New Year’s resolutions are difficult. Sometimes I set my goals too high, and end up failing, at least that’s how I feel about not meeting my goals. I’d never thought about making resolutions about my blog before, but then…why not?
What can I do to set resolutions for, that I can actually dedicate myself to doing with my blog? I am a sporadic writer at best, but I’ve been told that my writing is very powerful, due to the way I write about my subject matter, which stems from childhood sexual abuse.
I’m thinking that if people are reading my posts, and getting something from them, why don’t I try to reach more people that could benefit from my writing? How would I do that?
I don’t like to judge my blog by statistics, or followers, or number of clicks. That is why I rarely look at my statistics. I look at the comments, at what people actually think about my posts. So, if I try to reach more people that might benefit from my writing, I think I should look around and see what is out there. What I can read, what I can learn from it, and how can I help others to deal with such issues as I am?
I want to make one resolution to take a look at my Reader every day, see who is out there and what they are writing. The benefits can be two-fold. One, I can enrich my blog by learning from others, and two, I may be able to find others who could benefit from my writing. So that is resolution number 1.
My second resolution would be to interact with my readers, and those whose posts I read. This will give me ideas about how to write my posts so that they reach more people. I could do this by commenting more, rather than just ‘liking’ a post. Another way would be to visit the blogs of my readers, see where they are coming from and maybe make more friends that have similar interests, but also interests far different from the things I look at every day. So resolution #2 is to interact with my readers through commenting and looking at their sites.
My third resolution is to look more deeply into myself, find out what else might be in there that I can pull out and put into words. Resolution #3 is for introspection into my own abuse, and how it has shaped and continues to shape my life.
These seem maybe a little lofty for me, but they are something to try to attain, even if I only reach one new person a month, or learn one new thing about myself this year.
Those are my three blogging resolutions for 2016.
Through The Clouds 