Amazing love, how can it be,
That you, my King would honor me?
Those first two lines of the refrain from ‘Amazing Love’, have run around in my head all morning. And I ask myself, “How can it be?”
I grew up thinking that everything that happened to me, was my fault; that I had done something to deserve the abuse, both at home and at school, and beyond.
Once I had gotten away from the abuse at home, it seemed that I sought it out from other people, always from men who were ready and willing to accommodate me.
I felt that I deserved it, that I wasn’t worthy of anything better. And so the abuse went on. An unwanted pregnancy left me nauseas and all alone. Alone in a big city, with nowhere to turn.
After that is when I started drinking more heavily. There was a bar right up around the corner from where I lived, easily within walking distance.
As the years went by, I no longer looked for abuse from others, but turned inward for it. With the help of the alcohol, and mental illness lurking in the background, I started taking my anger out on myself. This went on for years, and I was in an out of psychiatric wards for many years. At some point, I became unable to work, due to my mental health.
I was put on so much medicine, that sometimes I didn’t know if I were coming or going, until eventually I reached a toxic state from one of the meds.
I don’t remember that time period, and I’m rather glad that I don’t. After many years with the same doctor, I was eventually stabilized on my meds, and my erratic behavior occurred a little less often.
But this lifestyle had taken a toll, and I was no longer able to work. I was then living alone, relying on what little money the government gave me.
I have since been diagnosed with MS, so now I have a mental and physical disability. But I haven’t given up. Before my mental collapse, I was able to go back to school and earn a bachelor’s degree.
I am now taking the second in a series of website design classes and actually have a goal for my life. I want to build my website, which I will use to get clients who wish to have a website or blog designed for them.
I am still alone, but I’m looking at opportunities to change that as well. Not disabled, but differently abled. I have since come to know God, and that is where I first heard that line, “Amazing Love, how can it be? That you, my King would honor me?”
The answer to that is that He loves me.
- Escaping the Depths of Mental Illness, Stigma & Parity Violations (psychcentral.com)
- Why do you tell your story? (jillsmentalhealthresources.wordpress.com)