Do You Really Know Me?

We pass each other along the way

You don’t give me the time of day

I’ve known it right from the start

You wouldn’t know what’s in my heart

They see me, but not really

Just another face you see

Who knows that I love to sing

To hear all the church bells ring

Do you know, where I’ve been

Or what I did, way back when

Whom I held close to my heart

With the hormones at the start

They said that it was just a fad

It couldn’t really be that bad

But I’m here to tell you now

You’ll hear me when I tell you how 

Afraid To Be Afraid

Someone’s been watching me

For so many years now

First every day

Every other day

Every week

Every other week

anxietyWatching over my meds

So I don’t take too much

For so many years

Overdosed twice before

Still watching over meds

Only two more weeks

Then I am done

It’s the last day anyone comes

To watch over my meds

To ask how I’m doing

Watching over me

They tell me I’m a success story

I have kind of graduated

I am a success story

One more time, then no more

Afraid to be a success

Afraid I will fail again

No one coming to check on me

Two weeks and then

It will be the last day

I’m on my own after that

Image result for fear

Afraid to be on my own

Afraid to be alone

Afraid to be afraid.

Feeling Alone

Lying in that silent room,
Mind filled with thoughts of doom,
It seems I’m so very far away,
This happen to me every day.

Needing, wanting to get out,010 (Large)
It seems that no one hears my shout,
So in this room, I’ll have to stay,
Every night and every day.

Why is there no one there?
Anyone who just might care?
Feeling so alone inside,
And it is here I sit and hide.

Some day I will want to get out,
But will there be anyone to hear me shout?
I need to get out in the sun,
And see the glory God has done.

~ van ~

Home

What makes a home?
Is it a house?
I live alone,
Quiet as a mouse.

Moved here a month ago,
But still I cannot find,
Does anyone ever go?
I think I’m losing my mind.

My heart is sad,
My head hangs low,
I know it was real bad,
A long, long, time ago.

Don’t do this, don’t do that,
Don’t eat that, it’ll make you fat,
Sit up straight, tie your shoes,
In those days I had nothing to lose.

Things are not the same today,
I don’t do things in my olden ways,
Now, I’m out and own my own,
But is this ever, really a home?

Why Do I Feel Like This?

Woke up, thought things were ok,
The phone rang, upset my day.
Today I was to meet with someone,
The call came, things came undone.

My heart screams in a silent shout,
I do not want the things to come out,
I must keep them deep inside,
But sometimes it’s very hard to hide.

To hide the pain of being left alone,
I almost wish I hadn’t picked up the phone,
But that would not make things ok,
Just cause me a disrupted day.

I know that I am not to blame,
But I feel this way, just the same,
Feel that it’s because of me,
She did not want to really see.

My fear of abandonment is running wild,
But I thought it was under control,
Now the feelings have to stay inside,
The next two days I’ll have them to hide.

Sad

I woke up, and I do not know,
What has me feeling quite so low,
I know that something’s just not right,
But the answer hasn’t come to light.

All alone, again this day,
How long, this time, will I stay?
Sad and lonely all day long?
Even I know something’s wrong.

I need someone to share life with,
Where each of us will take and give,
The love God said we all deserve,
Maybe He’s holding mine in reserve.

Holding for the day that’s right,
This day is not within my sight,
I feel that it is so far away,
Waiting for that final day.

The day when God will call me home,
The day my heart no longer will roam,
Looking for the love that’s right,
When it’s truly here, within my sight.

What Is A Mother?

A mother is someone who bore you with love,
My mother was none of the above.

A mother is one who takes care of you,
My mother had more important things to do.

A mother is one who watches you grow,
My mother didn’t even want to know.

A mother is one who cures you ills,
My mother thought you had to have chills.

A mother sits with you when you are sick,
My mother was more of a country hick.

A mother is one who will give you a hug,
My mother treated me like a bug.

What is a mother to all of you?
What is a mother, I wish I knew.

Two days from today, my parents would have been married 57 years.  But in the end, disease brought both of them down.  I ran away as soon as I could, to get away from all the abuse.  But already, at the age of 17, I had PTSD.  This led to alcohol, to failure of everything I tried to do with my life, just like my mother predicted.  Now I have a disease she knows nothing about.  This has turned my life around.  I found God.  I found other, hidden health problems.  I found a new way of life.  I found myself.

Someone By My Side

Thoughts that are oh, so ancient,
Yet my eyes are vacant.
Nothing shows which comes from inside,
When I try, the thoughts run and hide.

I long to have someone sit by my side,
With whom I have nothing to hide,
But I fear that she’ll never come,
And my heart will come undone.

Others are happy they have someone,
Each one knows what the other has done,
They stand together, side by side,
Because they have nothing to hide.

I have no one next to me,
I wish that others would come and see,
I have nothing at all to hide,
I bare it all, when I stand by her side.

Ever Have One Of Those Days?

Ever had a day when you’re all stuck up in your head?
Ever had one of those days you remember nothing you’ve read?
Ever had one of those days you had nothing to do?
Ever had one of those days you have tons to do?

Today I sat here in my chair,
I did not go anywhere,
I could not read a book,
I just couldn’t find the hook.

Scan_20150109 (61)Today I had nothing to eat,
Because I wouldn’t get out of my seat.
I could not read all that email,
The numbers made me want to wail.

Ever had a day when you want to stay abed?
Ever had a day when all thoughts have fled,
Ever had a day when everything’s numb?
Ever had a day when you need someone?

I am having all those days…

Depression – Here I Come!

If my mother hadn’t died from stage 4, cervical cancer, she would have turned 76 today.

I don’t know why this is so important to me, when I hated her more each day.

I am angry that cancer got her so young.

But why, after all she had done??

If she’d gone to a doctor to get checked out,

She would have lived, I have no doubt.

She never would go to get seen,

Wouldn’t take me until my pain was keen,

Now I feel I have no one,

Who knows all my father had done,

He too has passed away,

I think of him never, in a good way.

I feel so very much alone,

I sit and wait by the phone,

There is no one I can see real soon,

The silence echos like a boom.

I’m going backwards to a past,

A time when good things never last.

Depression comes, and then it goes,

How long it will last, no one knows.