Mothers Day – Gone

phoneMothers Day has come, and gone

Yet deep inside I feel alone

Too scared to say anything

Still dread hearing the telephone ring

But if it rings, it is not you

Caller ID tells me what to do

I can choose to take the call

I can choose to do nothing at all

It’s not you at the other end

Someone else whose ears to bend

Yet the memories run so deep

My sanity sometimes hard to keep

But I can turn that all around

If any calls are inward bound

The only calls that I get now

Tell me where and when and how

To plan the hour, the day the week

And I will be allowed to speak

I can speak of what I feel

To others now, which helps me heal

Now each day, it comes and goes

What I’ll do next week, who knows

I can now have peace of mind

Talk to those, whom in me find

A person that tries every day

To make a new and better way

Live a life that’s free of fear

Among the ones that I hold dear

~ van ~

Mother And Mother’s Day

A holiday is drawing near,
For most it means there’s someone dear,
I try to forget the entire day,
But I need to find another way.

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I have things I could have said

But I kept my silence instead

Now it’s been over three years

But I’ve not shed many tears

PTSD is what they say

Controls me even to this day

Any love I felt for you

Like a bird, away it flew

Now the day is drawing near

Honor one who caused me fear

I need to get you from my head

Because now you’ve been quite dead

But words and actions came my way

I lived in fear, most every day

The only thing that I will try

Is to say to you, goodbye.

~ van ~

 

A Letter For Mothers Day

Some had mothers who cared so much,
Some had mothers who did no such.
Mine was up and down each day,
I didn’t know which was the right way.

Mom, you made my life very difficult, not only as a child but as an adult, right up to this day. I lived in fear of your anger. I never knew when it was coming, like a bolt of lightning from the sky.

I felt as though you were not proud of me. I felt as though you didn’t love me. The truth, I think, was that you were not capable of love. I believe that you, too, were damaged somewhere in life, and that our mental health was passed on from generation to generation.

How can I hate someone who is ill? I can’t. Was I capable of loving you? Not then, while I lived under your control. The fear continues to live on in me, the mental illness passed on to me.

But that cycle ends with me, and with my brothers. None of us had children of our own and that can’t be coincidence, as they both married and are still married. But I remained single, but not just due to you. There was another kind of abuse going on in that house, that you didn’t seem to be aware of.

I’ve heard of people having love/hate relationships, and perhaps that applies to my life, not just for you, but for Dad, and for all the significant others I have had during my 55 1/2 years of life.

But now you are gone. I never got to really talk to you as one adult to another. I was always your daughter, and was treated as such. I no longer have the opportunity to tell you that I love you. After years of therapy, I realize that I do love you, and I do not. I cannot.

Am I capable of loving today? I love God, in a very special way. And I love my family, a family I would not have had, if not for you.