I want something and I really do not know what it is
There’s a need in me that I just can’t see
There is something I need that is what it is
It is hidden down deep within me.
He can see my entire soul
He can see what I need
He will not lead me afoul
I am still yet just a seed.
What I need is Him in my life
Every day and every night
The evil one tries to bring in strife
I’m trying very hard to fight.
I need Him
He created me
His light never dims
Sometimes I just can’t see.
– van –
The pain I carry in my heart
Was always there, from the start
Why can’t I get him outta my head
Fourteen years now, he’s been dead
I thought that death would be the end
I might see more around that bend
All this time I couldn’t see
How tough survival could really be
They are not telling me I can be free
To live my life as I should think it’d be
Prepare to get my ducks in a row
The day will come when I must go.
I can be taken care of when I’m there
Fewer mistakes that I don’t care
To live such life out of this place
I don’t think I can keep the pace
No friends around me any more
Can’t make my way to the grocery story
Having to rely on family
Is not the way my life should be
Keep only things that I can use
Without my problems to cause abuse
Good bye my friends, all whom I love
I’ll see you again in the realm above
Throughout the years of childhood abuse
They made me feel there was no use
Through all those years of constant strife
I could not live my very own life
A children’s view of this time
I never had a thing that was mine
Hand me downs from those of old
No longer did keep out the cold
The home itself was cold as well
Living there, I went through hell
They taught me when I moved a way
That others still had their say
In how my life to be controlled
Again I lived in that cold
Afraid to peek out of the hole
Burrowed deep within my soul
Now I live here on my own
My body now is fully grown
But carries all the scars I earned
That taught me I had never learned
But down the hole, did I fall?
Little by little I changed it all
Every night I sit for dinner
Another day I am a winner
I would like to tell you I had an emotional week. I wanted to get mad at everyone, due to my forgetting to schedule wheelchair transportation for an appointment Wednesday morning. I assumed they were picking me up at 10:15, for an 11:00 appointment.
At 10:00, I started questioning whether I had scheduled the transportation, and finally called to see if they had me on the schedule that day. They did not. First, I wanted to blow up at them (Really??). Then, I called my therapist to cancel the appointment, why, and asked that she called me back. I wanted to keep calling her, until she answered the phone and I could vent my anger and frustration (Why??).
When she finally called me back, I explained what happened and she asked if I would like to reschedule (Ya think??). We made another appointment, and then I wanted to vent at her again, because the appointment was not for another two weeks (??).
After hanging up the phone, I sat here and I realized that the person I was really angry at was myself. I had screwed up, forgot to schedule transportation, and I missed my appointment. Did I really expect her to rearrange her entire schedule, to get me in earlier? No.
I have MS. I have mild cognitive impairment and some memory loss. I know this, and I know that if I don’t put extra reminders in place, I may very well forget something.
I wanted to blame my aide, as every time she arrives, she usually takes out my planner, checks for any appointments that she hasn’t already written on the (very) large, dry erase calendar, that hangs on the wall above my wheelchair desk. She asks if I have transportation. I call and make arrangements. Once I’ve done that, I put a check mark next to the appointment in my planner. But not this week. I don’t think I gave a single thought to that appointment, and usually I never forget that particular appointment.
But who should I be mad at about it? No one. Not even myself. Everyone makes mistakes, and I can’t be mad because I made a mistake.
So I played Sudoku and then watched more episodes of “The Fosters.” Really like this show. Whatever did I watch before Netflix??
I keep them at a distance,
I don’t get hurt that way,
If you let them in your heart,
They’re going to leave one day.
I didn’t have a choice back then,
She was always in my face,
I had no time, of my own,
Or my own private space.
Nothing was ever done just right,
Not a thing got past her eye,
Poking in my private stuff,
At times I thought I’d just die.
Try to keep it hidden,
You know you have done wrong,
She’d always find out in some way,
It never took her long.
Being ignored as a child, I wasn’t taught anything that I was supposed to have been. Instead I learned how to lie to cover my butt and save myself a beating. As I grew a little older, it just became ingrained. I would make up things to explain why something was broken, or missing, or just not satisfactory to my mother.
I do believe that she never had one good thing to say about any of my accomplishments. I wasn’t real at times like this. I used to perform music at school concerts. Band, choir, duets, solos, even playing the piano, which she didn’t know I could do. She was always there because she had to take me there. But she never said a word about it at any time after.
I felt I didn’t do it well enough. I wasn’t good enough, and that’s why she didn’t like me. I learned that at a very young age, but just existed in a world where all these people around me (only in school) didn’t like me either. I was smart and they didn’t like that.
But one thing that really stands out today, is how I was never allowed to be sick. She had to admit that I was sick when I came home from Kindergarten with Chicken Pox. So I missed some school due to that. Once I was well again, I never stayed at home, no matter how sick I felt. I had a running total of perfect attendance at school, right up until my Senior year, when my parents and I got stranded in a blizzard and no one was allowed to be on the roads for any reason.
The police took us to the Salvation Army, who took us to this rickety, old hotel, where people actually lived. There was one room for the three of us. We spent 4 or 5 days there, I can’t remember for sure, but for me it was pure hell. But that broke my perfect attendance record.
Now she’s gone and I can go out if I want to, or I can stay home if I want to. I still feel guilty, though, if I don’t go somewhere that I was supposed to go. I have to make up a story as to why I wasn’t going. My reasons were never good enough. Sometimes I went anyway, because of the guilt I was feeling. But I’m still never good enough. And just saying “no” is never enough…
~ van ~
What makes a home?
Is it a house?
I live alone,
Quiet as a mouse.
Moved here a month ago,
But still I cannot find,
Does anyone ever go?
I think I’m losing my mind.
My heart is sad,
My head hangs low,
I know it was real bad,
A long, long, time ago.
Don’t do this, don’t do that,
Don’t eat that, it’ll make you fat,
Sit up straight, tie your shoes,
In those days I had nothing to lose.
Things are not the same today,
I don’t do things in my olden ways,
Now, I’m out and own my own,
But is this ever, really a home?
This post was written at Christmas time but never published, so I thought I’d do so now.
It’s a holiday again today,
I’ll be alone most the day,
Only wish I had someone,
Always willing to get up and come.
But the way I’ll share this day,
Do it someone else’s way,
Their home, their food, their family,
I wonder where my family might be.
Immediate family is quite small,
We scattered far in every way.
Not just distance, though it be far,
But talking, sharing, not who we are.
I wish there was someone to care,
I wish there was someone to dare,
To break the past and start anew,
But we don’t know what to do.
What to do to be more near,
What to do so we can hear,
The sounds of family having fun,
Then the start will have begun.
I woke up, and I do not know,
What has me feeling quite so low,
I know that something’s just not right,
But the answer hasn’t come to light.
All alone, again this day,
How long, this time, will I stay?
Sad and lonely all day long?
Even I know something’s wrong.
I need someone to share life with,
Where each of us will take and give,
The love God said we all deserve,
Maybe He’s holding mine in reserve.
Holding for the day that’s right,
This day is not within my sight,
I feel that it is so far away,
Waiting for that final day.
The day when God will call me home,
The day my heart no longer will roam,
Looking for the love that’s right,
When it’s truly here, within my sight.
Through The Clouds 