I Know It, But I Don’t Feel It

I learned a long time ago, to shut off my feelings, and to shut down the memories. It was just too painful, and besides, what would others think? That’s what my life revolved around, what would others think.

Suleiman Kova and media, 2013 DSM Building Collapse.jpg
via Wikimedia Commons.

Now that I’ve begun to heal the wounds, remember the memories, and feel the feelings, it still doesn’t feel right. I am still in fear of what others will think, especially those in my family who are following me on Facebook, maybe especially them.

I don’t know what my family knows, or suspects, even those that are the closest to me, and I fear to bring up those memories, speak freely about what happened to me, and not fear shame or disbelief.

I know that talking it out with them is also a part of the healing process, so, for those of you out there who know me, it IS real, it DID happen, and that is the reason I am the way I am.

I did get a positive response from someone who had been married to my cousin, and I found that very comforting, being that this person was one I went to school with, only a couple years ahead of me.

I am still going through the healing process, but last week, with my therapist, she would say something, and out of the blue, I would burst out with something of a totally different subject. This happened enough times, that even I noticed I was doing it.

If I want to continue to heal, which is going to be a life-long process, I have to be able to speak freely, without fear of what others might think. I do this anonymously with most of my posts, but yet there are some who do know me personally.

And yet I speak freely on the computer screen, for everyone in the world to see. I don’t fear that. After all, how do I know what others are going to think? I’ve already heard from one person that knows me, what they thought, and it felt so good to be understood. Thank you Leigh.

Did you notice that all through this post, I never once said what IT was?

3 thoughts on “I Know It, But I Don’t Feel It

  1. Being self-aware is part of the process of healing as well. May your healing continue and that you find good times, smiles and even a laugh. Your abuse happened to you and the healing will take the time it takes…it does not define you as a person though…you are a combination of so many wonderful things…I only know the honest part, the resilient part, the poet, writer part and caring part…:)


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