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In need of fulfilled wishes.

I started school at age 4, due to my birthday being in October.  This was a total change for me – to be away from my mother for such a long time.

 I don’t know when my behavior took a turn, but I do know it was early on in school.  I had teachers that were kind to me for the most part, and I wanted all of that I could get.  

Starting long ago, longer than I can remember, my life was filled with chaos (abuse).  I never knew which way to turn, there was no safe place, especially when I was younger.  

I felt used and unloved, though at the time, I probably couldn’t put those words to what I was feeling.  Mostly, I just knew that I was scared.  

Unfortunately, this resulted in the beginnings of negative behavior – seeking more attention from the teachers.  I didn’t know any other way to get more of that accepted feeling that I had when I started school and no one knew me.  There were 30-some of us in that class, so the teacher’s attention was spread pretty thin.  

When I wasn’t acting out, by starting fights, or throwing things, or shooting staples around the room, I was taking it out on myself in the form of self-harm.  Both of these types of behaviors carried on through the years, right into high school.  It was there when things took another turn.