Why Do I Love An Abuser?

This is a question I keep asking myself:

I was abused by both of my parents as a child.  Physical and emotional abuse thrown at me by mother, and sexual abuse from my father.

My mother passed away from cancer, almost 6 months ago.  Whenever I think of her I get this aching hole in the middle of my chest.  I miss her.  She was a mean woman.  Why do I love her?  How can I possibly miss her?

My dad passed in 2004, He sexually abused me for years, and I cried my eyes out at his funeral.

Not so with my mother.  I just sat there, motionless, wondering who all came to the graveside service.  Her sister, who is 13 years older sat next to me.  She was crying.  Yet, I miss my mom.

8 thoughts on “Why Do I Love An Abuser?

  1. This may not be true, but maybe some feelings left over of resentment that she didn’t protect you? I am only commmenting since you posted it… and I assumed you might want a comment.


    1. I encourage comments on my posts to the blog vanbenschoten. It’s heartening to know that people can read this and understand what I have and am still going through.


  2. Hej Van Benschoten, had to search for a place to share a few words with you.

    You are one brave man! So open and honest. As you write here, it must be incredibly hard to go through all this and yet here you are writing this blog! Really moves me in a profound way!

    As a small token of my appreciation, i’ve nominated you for the Shine on award. See https://pnco.wordpress.com/2013/05/06/shine-on-award/ for more info. Feel no obligation, just know i like your blog! Hold on tight!



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