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In need of fulfilled wishes.

I started school at age 4, due to my birthday being in October.  This was a total change for me – to be away from my mother for such a long time.

 I don’t know when my behavior took a turn, but I do know it was early on in school.  I had teachers that were kind to me for the most part, and I wanted all of that I could get.  

Starting long ago, longer than I can remember, my life was filled with chaos (abuse).  I never knew which way to turn, there was no safe place, especially when I was younger.  

I felt used and unloved, though at the time, I probably couldn’t put those words to what I was feeling.  Mostly, I just knew that I was scared.  

Unfortunately, this resulted in the beginnings of negative behavior – seeking more attention from the teachers.  I didn’t know any other way to get more of that accepted feeling that I had when I started school and no one knew me.  There were 30-some of us in that class, so the teacher’s attention was spread pretty thin.  

When I wasn’t acting out, by starting fights, or throwing things, or shooting staples around the room, I was taking it out on myself in the form of self-harm.  Both of these types of behaviors carried on through the years, right into high school.  It was there when things took another turn.

The Witch of Halloween

Having been born on Halloween, I felt the fear deep in my bones.

Good Bye, Hello!

Commonly known as ‘Monster Mittens’

About three weeks ago
I finally had to let her go
Oh, I cried so hard that day
I didn’t think she’d be going away

I was her mom for nine whole years
All she did was instill the fears
Upon anyone who tried to get play
I didn’t think she’d be going that way

Now I have another one
With this one I will have one
Loves me dear, and others too
Wait! Stop playing with that shoe

Kalamma

I bought a new toy just this morn
So cute, she’ll play until it’s worn
I still miss my Mittens
Her bites I found I do not miss

Good bye my Mittens
Hello Kamala

Everybody Needs Something

I want something and I really do not know what it is
There’s a need in me that I just can’t see
There is something I need that is what it is
It is hidden down deep within me.

He can see my entire soul
He can see what I need
He will not lead me afoul
I am still yet just a seed.

What I need is Him in my life
Every day and every night
The evil one tries to bring in strife
I’m trying very hard to fight.

I need Him
He created me
His light never dims
Sometimes I just can’t see.

– van –

Move Away I Fear To Hear

The pain I carry in my heart
Was always there, from the start
Why can’t I get him outta my head
Fourteen years now, he’s been dead

I thought that death would be the end
I might see more around that bend
All this time I couldn’t see
How tough survival could really be

They are not telling me I can be free
To live my life as I should think it’d be
Prepare to get my ducks in a row
The day will come when I must go.

I can be taken care of when I’m there
Fewer mistakes that I don’t care
To live such life out of this place
I don’t think I can keep the pace

No friends around me any more
Can’t make my way to the grocery story
Having to rely on family
Is not the way my life should be

Keep only things that I can use
Without my problems to cause abuse
Good bye my friends, all whom I love
I’ll see you again in the realm above

I Feel Lost

I feel very lost and alone
Not even the ring of a telephone
Nothing there, perhaps a genie
I need someone feisty

 The fog floats down round and round
It flows through the air, without a sound
Throughout the night, I hear it moan
Telling me there’s no one at home

My heart, has become really old
Leaves my house empty, cold
It will stay, mold and rot
Be thankful for the things you’ve got

I feel nothing, not heat, not cold              
It will be like this until I’m old
A heart that feels it needs a jolt
Lock her up, with screw and bolt.

–

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Private Hell

I see the pills I take each day
To help myself, I live that way
In a cloud of many pills
Supposed to take away my ills

If I had to count them all
Even ones for when I fall
Add to them a shot each day
If I stopped what would they say

Blood pressure, depression, and anxiety
Are only part of what you see
Behind closed doors, I struggle more
Much more than I ever did before

I wonder what would kill me first
I think of my unending thirst
Take this one to stop the side effects
I never know what’s coming next,

I see you just outside my door
Coming here, I know not what for
Why do I hide, behind my door
Help me please find out what for

The shadows behind all these doors
More pills, they say will help me more
Do this or not I will not tell
Sitting here in my private hell

Deep Fear

Through The Clouds

Each memory that arises fills me full of disgust.
I don’t want to go there, but I know that I must.
If I don’t, he still has that power over me.
Something that I really hate to see.

Deep inside the fear is still there,
I hear noises, but I know not from where,
My dreams are feelings disguised as nightmares,
I have to keep pushing, I know someone cares.

When I feel that I can go no further,
How could he ever hurt her?
She was so very young,
Not knowing what she had done.

She is me, behind a mask,
Why is it there, I have to ask?
Why not get it all out in the open,
Where something, for me, can be done with.

My Father will always be there for me,
Even if I can’t actually see.
His Love for me will never fade,
Turning to…

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Trying To Climb Out Of The Hole

I need say nothing else…

Through The Clouds

I have been deep into this hole,
I know not for how long.
I now know that it has to be me,
Who starts the climb, but not alone.

My heart, my soul, my mind, and my body,
They all bear the scars,
Of a life filled with abuse,
Thinking no one cares.

But to climb out of this hole,
There are things I need to do.
Take care of myself, for one,
With help from I know not whom.

Eat and bathe,
Let myself feel,
All of that stuff that haunts me,
At times it still feels unreal.

Why did this happen,
To my life,
When I was just a child,
And not wanting to survive?

How did this follow me this far,
When I have aged so much?
I don’t talk it out enough,
Thus my suffering is as such.

But I want to climb out of the…

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Growing Up

I feel as though I need to put this one up there again.

Through The Clouds

All I feel or do today,
Is based on time long ago,
When nothing right came my way,
How else was I to know?

I still feel the fear from days gone by,
The fear I’d feel that hand,
Somewhere not seen by the eye,
How could anyone understand?

They all thought that I was bad,
And I felt guilt ridden,
That life was all I had,
So, I must be bad then.

That little one inside of me,
Is still in there somewhere,
But still, very few really see,
And so they don’t dare to go there.

There to where the ache runs deep,
Deep inside my soul,
There to where the secrets keep,
Me buried in that hole.

I feel the need to climb up out,
And stand up all alone.
And to all who can hear me shout,
I don’t want to be cold as stone.

–…

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“Finding Who We Are” Entry #3: Growing Through the Pain

Experiencing difficulties in life is an inevitability. There has never been a singular person on this earth who did not experience a rocky path. Through these situations, though, we learn that it is not our circumstances that define us, but rather, how we react to them.

This week I am honored to share my good friend, Karen’s, story. She and I have been friends for almost 6 months now. I have greatly appreciated reading her posts, taking in her insights, and enjoying the pictures she takes. She is a beautiful lady with a heart for God. Her story is truly incredible. We hope you will enjoy it!

Say “hello” to Karen!

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I grew up out in the country in upstate New York 50-something years ago. I had a father who was a pedophile, or whatever else he’d be called today, with his only daughter. Add to that I had a…

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